Raindrops on my window

For @Xalvador

She felt trapped again, felt like the world was caving in around her, so she had done the most natural thing; Going for a walk. In didn't matter that it was pouring down, she just had to keep walking. Would she eventually walk off the earth and disappear? She didn't even know. The news of a new betrothal hadn't been a happy one, her brother livid and actively thrashing anything in his way. But she always acted inwards, taking it out on herself. She hadn't resorted to actively hurting herself, not yet at least, but in her mind she knew there was something she had to do. Because would she ever get the chance?
Maybe that was why her body had left her to Gerard and Xalvador's shared apartment. Would he even be home? She knew Gerard was always busy, and Xalvador wasn't much better. The two brothers might've not been related by blood, but both were workaholics. Ringing on the door she felt the rain against her body almost like bullets. "It's me," she said, her voice a little shaky from the cold, but she wasn't a fenix so she wasn't in active danger. "Please just ... Just let me in," her voice a little shaky but rather determined.

Maybe it was just a turn of luck, but Xalvador had just gotten off from work and had taken the bike home. After parking it and taking off his helmet, he thought he recognized someone at the door. Narrowing his eyes a little he made sure his bike was locked before he approached. Raising his eyebrows a little with a confused expression he asked, "Eliza, is that you?" behind her. He could see how cold she was and he got his key before he opened the door and held it for her. "Dios mio, you must be freezing out here," he remarked, gesturing for her to head up, knowing the apartment was at least warmer than outside.

Turning around she looked at him, but it was a bit hard to keep her eyes open with the rain falling so hard. Her dress was pretty much ruined, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that she was around Xalvador now, and nothing in the world could take away that good feeling he gave her. He opened the door and she went in, heading up the stairs until she reached the door she knew so well at this point. It almost felt like a second home at this point. Waiting for him to unlock that door as well, she could just feel how the fabric was sticking to her body, making it harder for her to walk, but it was like she couldn't even feel it because her skin had gotten so cold.
Just standing in the hallway, she knew she felt at home, but she also felt rather afraid. "Xal I need to talk to you," she said, her teeth chattering, her muscles tensing up from the cold, her hair drenched and dripping on the floor.

He hadnt really expected her to swing by like this, but clearly something was on her mind. She wouldnt be standing outside his apartment in the cold rain if everything was fine. Getting up into the apartment, he put his helmet down and heard her words but went to get her a blanket and a towel. Heading back out to her in the hallway, he handed her both. "What's up?" he asked, looking at her a little worried. Had something bad happened, was it Eden who had been up to something? His mind was already trying to decipher all the different possibilities of danger that she could have gone through.

Being handed a towel she took it, patting herself dry, her skin felt like it was burning even if it was freezing cold. He sounded worried, and she shook her head as she didn't even know if she could cry more about it. Everything was just darkness. There was nothing left for her, and yet she held on to him like the selfish brat she was. "I trust you," she said, frowning as she wrapped the blanket around herself as she had dried herself off mostly. Clutching on to the blanket she walked closer to him. She just couldn't help it, she just felt like this pain in her chest was too much for her to bear. "And I don't expect you to do anything or say anything; Just listen," she made sure to clarify. He wasn't obligated to do anything about what she said next, her eyes sad, but looking at him she felt happy. Her hand was a little shaky as she lifted it up to cup his face. It was colder than ice, but his warm skin made her sigh. "I love you," while it sounded easy to say, it was somewhat of a burden to her.
"I love you, and I want to be with you ... I want you to kiss me and hold me tight ... I want to hold your hand and not be ashamed of the butterflies in my stomach," she whispered, blinking as she let her hand drop from his face. Now she had said it. That was enough, right? But the last thing she wanted to say was what had happened. How her family had made a decision, one that she should be happy about - because who was she kidding? What guy really wanted to be with someone as broken as her? "I just wanted to say that," she mumbled, not even daring to look at him. Rejection was coming, and she was going to take it because then she could leave him behind. She could go live the life that her family expected of her.

He just waited for her to spill the beans, tell him if anything had happened, because then he would do what he could to keep her safe. Her words were cryptic, because he was sure they had always been able to trust each other? So what was all this about? Her clarification only made his confusion grow as he felt her cold hand cup his cheek. His brows had a small frown because he really couldnt deduct what she was trying to tell him. And then she said it. His expression seemed unchanged, but then she spoke again, and he clearly didnt know what to say. He looked down as he was processing it, sighing deeply at her mumble. But he was so shit at this kind of stuff, if she hadnt realized already at this point? He was hopeless and he was also in love or at least he knew he felt different about her than he did with other people. He folded his lips and took in a deep breath before he made a small nod. "Alright," he said, which was probably a lame reply to a full blown confession but he didnt know what else to say, this was completely out of his jurisdiction! But he had noted the handholding of all the things she had said, so his hand went down to hers where he gripped onto hers, holding it tight.

His silence was killing her a bit at this point, but then he spoke. A simple word and she finally felt her eyes getting wet. Alright as in it was okay, that she was going to get over it? Or alright as in he felt the same? She didn't even know how to react, just standing there, shivering a bit under the blanket, a cold droplet running from her hair and down her spine. That was when he took her hand, and for the first time in weeks, maybe months, she felt a genuine warmth spread in her body. Her fingers felt stiff, but she managed to entangle them with his. They just stood there, holding each other's hands like some preschoolers, but it was the only thing that felt right in the world. "I trust you," she repeated, her voice getting a little shaky as she was nervous. "So ... So that's why I want ... I want," she said, her voice getting a bit emotional but she tried to hold it together. Blinking a few times she finally looked up at him. "I want my first time to be with you," she said, almost not daring to say it out loud. She had been raised in a family where virginity was a virtue that was kept guarded and saved for one person only. But Eliza couldn't give that part of herself to someone she didn't love. And she didn't love Ismael, she only loved Xalvador. She felt like she was running out of time, but this was just how it was going to be.

He thought that was going to be it, that she was just going to say that she loved him and then he'd know. Because there couldnt possibly be more, could there? She then repeated trusting him again and he looked at her as there seemed to be more, which just made him confused again. She wants what? He was almost urging her to just say it, but as she did, his eyes widened and if he could even get pale, then he would. "Y-y...ou... Y-you w-what?" he stammered, blinking a little rapidly as he was trying to process her words. It was so bad that he was stammering, something that he hadnt done in many years. He looked down and away, but kept holding onto her hand. "W-what, w-w-w..." he tried but seemed to get stuck on the letter. He groaned annoyed at himself and took in a deep breath before looking at her. "Why?" he finally asked, because it was all so sudden.

His reaction was valid. It was all coming out all of a sudden, but she felt proud to have said it. He started to stammer, a side of him she hadn't seen before, but she waited patiently for him to gather his words. Why? Blinking a few tears rolled down her her cheeks as she looked up at him, giving his hand a soft squeeze. "I've already told you; I trust and love you," she said, still shaking like a leaf, her teeth chattering as she felt so nervous. "You don't have to love me ... You can, I don't know, close your eyes or call me by some other name ... I just ... Please Xal, there's not much in my life I get to decide, but this is something that I want to decide; And I've chosen you," she sounded so pathetic didn't she? Poor little rich girl, spoiled rotten and here she was begging for just the slightest attention from the guy she loved who couldn't even decide if he loved her back.
"You don't even have to kiss me," she whispered, looking down as she felt a little ashamed. Shaking hands grabbed around her blanket, letting it fall to the floor. Pulling at her dress, it slipped down her arms slowly, still sticking to her body. "If you want me to beg I will ... Please Xal, please I just want you."

He stopped her dress and she wasn't sure how to feel about it. Couldn't he see that this was something that she needed to do? That there was no way she could live without at least giving it her best shot. His questions made sense. She wasn't acting like herself anymore, but he didn't seem interested in her, so perhaps just pretending to be someone else for him was better? "Because I'm out of time ... I can't wait any longer," she spoke rather truthfully, her hand reaching out, touching his shirt lightly. Eliza's life had never been cut out to be simple or easy. She had been born in to a system that made sure to keep it's people in control. She had been born to be bred on, and with Deacon it hadn't really been that bad of a thing because she knew him back then. But Ismael was a stranger, a stranger she would have to share marital bed with, and she couldn't do that. Not without at least feeling loved first. "Am I not attractive enough? Or am I too innocent?" she asked, her palm pressed against his chest as she just wanted to feel his heartbeat.

"Because I don't want my first time to be with someone I don't love!" she finally admitted, raising her voice as she moved away from him, adjusting her dress. She knew she couldn't force him and it had been stupid to come here. Shaking her head she felt how more tears ran down her cheek, wiping them away with her still damp arm. "I'm sorry ... I shouldn't have come," she said, her legs shaking as she went for the door. Maybe she just needed to get away, maybe she just needed to get over her own selfishness and accept how things were. "I can't see you anymore," she cried, wrapping her arms around herself, her limps so stiff and cold that it was starting to hurt. "Everything is going back to black ... Everything is just disappearing and I can't ... I can't do that again."

He placed the blanket over her shoulders and for a second she tried to reconsider. Stay with him, even if it would be another night that would lead to nothing. But no, she had to stop trying to live out this fantasy she had in her head. It would lead her nowhere and he didn't deserve the mess she was. "Goodbye, Xalvador," she said, shrugging the blanket off her shoulders and heading out of the door. She was still crying as she headed down the streets. She just needed to get all of her emotions out and then maybe she could hide them away until one day she would explode.
Only problem was that she couldn't head home. Her aunt would know and worse Thomaz might tease her. Instead she headed to the apartment that both her and Ismael had been given. For them to get to know each other. And yet they hadn't spent one second together, let alone spoken really. He was scary in the way that he seemed to just ignore her from the get go. Getting in to the apartment she was just sniffling, but she guessed she could excuse it away with the fact that she was once again drenched in rain.

She didn't even dare think what she looked like, but why should she care what he thought anyways? It wasn't like she was embarrassing him or anything. Instead of replying she moved like a robot out to the bathroom, turning on the water and making sure it was hot before she just went under. She sat down, still fully dressed, but it was as if she couldn't even look at her own body right now. Failure. In every sense of the word, that was what she was.
Ismael was probably a good guy. But why should she care? Her mind was clouding up with thoughts, biting her lower lip as she looked at her wrist. You could barely see the scar anymore, but she could still remember the feeling. How much it had hurt mostly, but also how scarily calm she had been. Thomaz had found her and saved her somehow, but now she was just left with being ungrateful. Pulling her knees up under her chin she wrapped her arms around her legs as to not look at her wrist. Did Ismael know? She wasn't sure how much he had been told about her, because she had been told next to nothing about him.

"Rough life," she just muttered, but it felt like her body was finally warming up. What had she been trying to do? Prove something? She wasn't sure, but she knew that she wouldn't ever get the chance of real happiness; At least not the kind that she dreamt of. Turning her head she looked up at him, her eyes unable to hide just how sad she was. They were even a bit bloodshot from the crying. Eliza had always been told how beautiful she was, it was one of her main selling points for her family. "Will you grab me some dry clothes?" she just asked, feeling how slowly her fingers and toes were reacting once more. Looking at her hand it felt so empty. Xalvador had been so warm, and she had wanted him closer. No! She had to stop this stupid thing in her head.
If he left to grab her something to wear she would get out of her dress and wet underwear, grabbing her nightgown and putting it on as she stepped out of the shower. She took a quick glance at herself in the mirror, but felt too disgusted so she just looked away. Ismael was probably already thinking how weird she was, how he was just going to ignore her more. But could he really do that more than he already did? She doubted it.

She just took the clothes that were handed to her, but she just felt so disgusted by herself. But then he started to act as if this was going to be their normal way of living. "Sério? É realmente assim que você vai reagir se eu voltar para casa chorando? Você não é nada, você nunca será meu amante," she mumbled in her fast spoken Portuguese, not caring if he picked up on any of it. It didn't matter if he did, because she was just mad at herself and the circumstance she had landed in. "Both, por favor," she then muttered to the question about the tea. Maybe she should've thanked him? But no, she was too caught up in her own mind.
As she had gotten dressed and dried her hair, she joined him in the kitchen. "I had a life before you, you know that?" she just asked. She knew that he was supposedly some great daemon hunter, but she thought that type of work was outdated. She didn't believe in hunting down a species that couldn't help what they were born as. "But you've probably heard the gossip; How I am not a good match and perhaps a drama queen?" she asked, sitting down in a chair in the kitchen, looking at him with sad eyes. "How I couldn't even manage to keep a well matched engagement going after my parents' death ... And maybe you are just waiting for me to screw up so that you don't have to look at me ever again."

"I have my work," she just said, because after what she had put Xalvador through tonight she wasn't sure she had any friends left. It seemed like the curse of her family; To fuck up so much that eventually everyone chose to distance themselves from you. She looked in to her cup of tea, wondering what he might say, but it seemed that regardless it wouldn't satisfy her.
"It's nice to know that I could be of some use for you," she muttered. Of course. He couldn't have done it without gaining something from it. "My family values are based on old rules; Trust me I'm not a fan of it myself," she said, not going in to depth about it. Her family was just weird like that. She knew that this had been her fate from a very young age, so she just had to suck it up. Taking a sip of the tea she got up from her seat, going over to the sink to pour it out. "But I'm guessing you'll say the same to the children I'll provide for you in the future? How romantic, hmm? That the only reason that they will be born was so that you had a chance to have a partner for that ridiculous title," she scoffed, placing her hands on the sink. She felt like she was going to be sick.

She could feel herself shake a little, because he clearly didn't get it. He had been at the negotiating table and he could state his terms. She on the other hand was lucky that her aunt hadn't wed them then and there as she had met him. "I'm nothing but an incubator at this point," she said, but it was true. Her aunt was almost desperate to have Eliza birth children as soon as possible. Especially with the many hunters dying right now. "If I don't fulfill this marriage ... Then I might as well be dead," her voice having some dread to it. He would never be able to understand, so why was she bothering with all of this?
"Also, I don't just judge anyone," she said, passing him as she exited the kitchen and went in to the living room and on in to the bedroom. The bed was still a sore topic for her, and before crawling in she covered herself up more. She wasn't comfortable sharing with him, but she wasn't saying anything to it. Because that meant more. Sitting down on the bed, she pulled out her phone, looking at the lock screen. It was just a simple picture of all of her friends from Churchill together; Gerard, Tessa and Xalvador. Holding her finger in on the screen she changed her background. It was easier not having to look at him every time and feel that knot in stomach and the need to throw up.