Make or break [cw/tw]

As soon as she had gotten some distance to him, it was as if whatever bad that had seemed to loosen it’s grip as she laid with him was right back with it’s clutches tight around her. She would have laughed at his words about shower and fire but she didnt really seem to even really notice it. It was good that he checked on her, because she wouldnt really have noticed the mindset she was getting into before he made her aware. She went undressed as he left, throwing them at the door in a pile that she didnt really want to ever see again. Even her underwear and the bra she had worn was thrown into the pile and she grabbed a nice silk robe to cover herself. She went to the bathroom and didnt close the door completely, just because she wanted to be able to hear if he was walking around or just know that he was there. She looked in the mirror at the smudged makeup, then the small tear in the side of her mouth that couldnt really seem to close because she had been talking. It was only good that it had stopped bleeding. She went in the shower and made the water rather hot, feeling like she had to scald off the feeling to feel somewhat clean. She didnt spent long in the shower, getting out as she wrapped herself in a robe that worked pretty much as her towel. She wrapped her long hair in another towel and dried her face off with her hand, letting the dampness stick to her skin so she wouldnt be looking at a bad case of dry skin later. She grabbed some medical tape that she had lying around and cut it thinly so she could place it at the tear and keep it somewhat in place. A deep sigh left her lips before she left the bathroom, walking into her bedroom as she noticed how different everything looked. She grabbed a nice tank top that she liked to sleep in and some cute underwear that felt comfortable that she slipped into. She went to sit on the bed, resting her hands on her lap like she didnt really know what to do now. She had washed off the other man’s touch but it didnt feel much different?

She was pretty drawn into her thoughts as he came back, just staring blankly into the door of her closet before him offering her a cup of hot chocolate made her return to being present. The warmth felt nice between her hands and she looked a little down into the flowing brown liquid with the slight pinch of cinnamon. The smell reminded her a bit of the times during solstice where Connor and her father would make hot chocolates for everyone and they just spent one evening looking out on the falling snow and just talked. Not just them though, Verona and her husband and children were there too. No distractions from the outside world, just one big happy family. Connor and Xander would be talking about school work while Tessa had all sorts of things to show Buffy. She smiled a little at the thought even though it had been fleeting. Gerard spoke and she looked up from the cup at him.
He spoke of his pictures and she nodded, though if she started thinking of what she had seen in the gallery, the whole night would play out like a movie that couldnt be stopped or changed. It didnt seem that she had a chance to anyway, because he rather quickly redirected the conversation to his story. She wanted to tell him that nothing he could say could scare her away, as long as it wasnt that he didnt want her anymore. But she sat quietly, just focusing on listening to him rather than figure out what the dreaded feeling she felt inside could be. She seemed to be drawn out of herself again as he started telling his story, lifting a leg up to lean onto while she placed her cup on the nightstand. She was going to drink it, she just wasnt good at drinking things that were too hot.
She then looked back at him, frowning a little as it wasnt exactly the happiest of stories. Even if the silver lining seemed to be that he had gotten a brother to hold onto through it all, it sounded like a tale she hadnt wanted to hear from anyone’s mouth. The question he asked when he got to the part about his adult life made her look a little confused but she realized he was going to tell her. She looked down for a second as he answered his own question but then looked up at him again. She wasnt going to judge him for doing what he needed to survive, that just wasnt something she could do. Even if she didnt particulary like the thought of someone having to sell their body, she was very good at stepping out of her perspective and look at it differently. She noticed how he was shaking a bit, wondering if she should reach out but it was also like her body did it on her own. Giving the back of his hand a light touch to let him know she was there and then retreat.
She could tell by the end that he wanted it to go differently for her. Though she wasnt sure that their issues could be compared as looking at it, she suddenly felt like what had happened to her was miniscule to what he had been through, as counterproductive to her own wellbeing as that was. “I really want to,” she said, moving her hand to entangle their fingers, just because she liked the feeling. She sighed deeply in full motion with her shoulders looking away for a bit. “I just keep thinking what could have happened if I hadnt done what I did. Had he stopped me from biting him or if I hadnt kicked the right place,” she started, feeling her eyes water. “Nothing happened but my mind keeps thinking in what ifs,” she said, looking down as she shook her head. “He barely touched my body but it feels like he invaded my head,” she said, closing her eyes as she shook her head. “I feel dumb. I feel like my mind is just trying to fish for pity points, making such a big deal out of something that only would have happened but didnt,” she then explained a little frustrated. She rubbed her eyes. “Sorry,” she mumbled like she had something to apologize for.

She leaned her head onto his shoulder as he sat down next to her, closing her eyes as she drew in a trembling breath. Maybe it was true that she didnt have to apologize but she had felt like it anyway. Like it was necessary for the conversation to continue on her part. She listened to his whisper and opened her eyes, looking down as she reached out for his other hand that wasnt around her, taking it between her hands and just holding it. She turned his hand to having his palm face up, placing her index at his wrist before she drew small lines along his palm. “You’re right,” she mumbled, looking up at him. “Thank you,” she whispered, leaning up to carefully kiss his lips. It was just so calming to her, to feel his lips against hers. “Did she say when to meet them?” She asked, looking back down into his hand, following the lines deep engraved in his skin.

Tomorrow. She nodded and sighed deeply. She wasnt really showing it pr maybe she was by the way she fixtated on his hand, fiddling with his skin in a gentle manner as she sighed deeply. His whisper made her look up at him, shifting between his eyes. “I feel the same way,” she admitted, looking down at his hand again. That fear of her parents denying them their blessing, it made her heart hurt. She wanted to act out in frustration at the thought of that, cry happy tears for the fact that they were doing this, or do something rash solely based on the fear that they wouldnt be able to do this again. So many options, only one to choose. “I dont know what I’ll do if they dont agree. I wont accept it,” she admitted, looking up at him with serious eyes. Was this her way of letting him know how serious she felt about it? Maybe. She cupped his face in between her hands, running her thumb over his lower lip. She moved it away to touch his cheek instead, shaking her head at herself. What was she thinking? “I’m afraid that I’ll feel his dirty hands in my sleep,” she whispered, letting go of his face before she moved a bit away from him. She looked down and shrugged. “But I cant do that to you. You wanted to wait,”

She shook her head at his whisper, chuckling softly in a sad manner, “It’s nothing,” she assured him, thinking it’s better to just leave it. The distance between them definitely didnt feel nice but she wasnt sure what she was going to do if she stayed close to him. Make him make her forget that someone had even dared to touch her? Would that even help or was she just desperate at this point? “I’m not thinking straight,” she admitted, moving a bit closer to the edge to grab her cup. It had cooled down a fair bit so she could drink it now. She took a long sip and closed her eyes, listening to his question before she frowned a little as looked at him with sad eyes. Then she looked away and nodded, placing the cup down. “Wait here,” she said before she went into a different room, pulling out a folder with neatly organized pictures. She came back and handed it to him. “Page 3,” she just said, sitting back down next to him, keeping her distance. She looked towards the folder as she waited for him to open it. She hadnt even known that Maddie had snapped the picture, but when she had seen it, she had felt so happy. She looked away, fearing she wouldnt feel that same happiness again. It was the night where they were having dinner, Tessa and him sitting together, seemingly looking at each other in a way that couldnt be faked on pictures. She looked down into her warm chocolate, swishing it around in a gentle motion. “I wanted to surprise you, like I was when I found it,” she mumbled, fiddling a bit with the handle of the cup.

She really couldnt look at the picture, but instead watched him from the corner of her eye. It wasnt till he seemed to speak but unable to form a full sentence, she looked at him with sad eyes because in a way tje surprise was ruined. But just seeing how happy he felt from it, a warmth spread inside of her, looking at him as he moved closer, then down at the picture between them. She whimpered softly and looked at it as a small smile spread on her lips. It still had a strong effect on her, making her eyes fill with tears as she looked at him. She wasnt sad, quite opposite actually. It just made her feel so whole, even now in a moment where she was supposed to feel broken and unfixable. She shifted between his eyes at his question, but his flustered reaction clearly showed that he was meaning to ask her a question she understood.
But when he did, she felt tge butterflies in her stomach as strongly as she had that first night they were together. She grabbed onto his collar in a gentle grip, looking rather serious at him. “Yes,” she answered, before she leaned in to connect their lips. She pushed him down on the bed as her lips wouldnt leave his, just moving her lips tenderly over his as her heart seemed to pick up a pace. She knew she should have been reacting differently, jump around and let her happiness get the best of her in an ecstatic reaction. But she hoped that a more serious approach could suffice, she was after all feeling quite drained after today. Didnt stop her from clutching onto his collar as she kept kissing his lips, to then gently move her lips around onto his face in trails of small loving kisses, as she crawled over him. “I’ll be anything you want me to be,” she mumbled against his skin, lifting her face to look at him with serious eyes. Her heart was beating out of control, her focus solely on him. Like nothing else right in this moment mattered. To hell with the event’s happening, her parents decision in the future. Only him and her and these raw emotions in the air.

She liked feeling how he was pressing her closer, feeling her own breath tremble a little at the feeling that was slowly stirring inside of her. It felt like a rubberband being pulled apart, the tighter it seemed to get, the more she wanted him. But the problem with that was that if you moved too fast, the rubberband would break and the feeling gone. It had to be just the right way. “Please do,” she pleaded with him, wanting nothing more tonight than to go to sleep knowing that the other man’s touch had been removed, replaced by Gerard’s hands and his alone. His whisper made her moan softly as she followed his hands guidance and found his lips. She pressed herself a little closer to him, just from the way he was kissing her like their first night she knew she just had to have him. “I did mean it when I said I wanted you to be my first,” she whispered, knowing they hadnt exactly talked about that since the first night but it also wasnt that she had just gone out and found someone else. She lifted his hand to her neck, letting him touch her bruised skin, as she closed her eyes, guiding his fingers gently around before letting go to see what he would do. She could hear her own heart beat like crazy or maybe she thought she did. “I love you,” - “More than I could ever love someone. Teach me how to say it in your language,” she whispered in a soft plea, wanting to say it in a way that felt deeper than just saying it in a language he had spent so long learning.

She really liked the way his fingers gently brushed against her skin, in her focus to just feel the skin to skin contact, she purred softly which he would feel against his fingertips on her neck. She stretched her neck for him as his lips touched her, closing her eyes to just indulge in the feeling. Her wish to learn how to tell him she loved him in french was purely based on showing him just how much she cared to tell him. She felt his arms around her and then they switched around, her looking up at him with curious eyes. She listened to him as he whispered french words she had heard before. She mouthed them carefully while she kept her eyes on his, wanting only to say it when she knew it would be perfect.
She leaned her head slightly towards his hand as he moved her hair and greeted his lips a little eager. He spoke of another french sentence she could use, but his kisses moving down her neck was taking her focus away. She wanted to know every possibility that was, but it was so hard when his lips made her feel that inner instinct inside of her. He spoke and she looked down, lifting a hand to gently place in his hair. His lips moved further down and she looked at him, moaning softly as his words seemed like honey while he pressed his face inbetween her breasts onto the fabric. How she wished she was naked for that feeling. “Mon coeur,” she whispered longingly, rubbing his scalp gently with her fingertips.
“I’ve thought of that too,” she admitted, but her cheeks turned a little red as she thought about the things she had done to herself, wishing it had been him. She arched her back slightly as he kissed her breast, even if it was dulled by fabric, it was still quite a sensitive place for her. “I’m not just madly in love,” she protested, moving her body a little eagerly to feel his hands on her skin. “I’m absolutely insane from the way I feel for you,” she whispered with a soft moan to follow as he grabbed her thigh. This was definitely building a lot of tension inside of her, a need to feel some sort of release. She looked down at him, cupping his face with one hand at his last whisper. “What does that mean?” She asked, biting her lip a little. She had a feeling she knew but she wanted to be sure. She grabbed his hand on her stomach and led it up to her breast so he could grab it. “I want to go all the way this time,” she whispered in determination, feeling goosebumps on her skin from the mere thought of that. Actually finding out what it was like to be with him in a way only two in love could be.

She moaned as he squeezed her breast with his bare hand, her chest heaving a bit while her heart felt like it was going crazy. She had to tell him that she didnt want it to end like it had last time, when she had been so close to feel wonderful. She felt the pressure from his groin against the spot she had shown him, moaning in delight as she started rubbing herself a little against him. She was listening to every word while her body seemed to work on it’s on. All what he did to have had some reaction, whether it be squeezing her breast that made her moan and squirm just a little bit, or it was his words making goosebumps appear all over her body. The way he pulled on words felt like it was teasing her in the best way possible, the squeeze on her thigh making her moans a little more intense as she seemed to be working herself nicely against his groin. He finished his sentence and she looked at him as she nodded, stopping her movements for a second as he seemed serious.
She let him pull off her shirt, whimpering in delight as he sucked her nipple. She pressed against his groin again, moaning at the pressure that just did something to her insides. But it wasnt quite enough, she wanted more than that. His question made her freeze as she looked at him with soft yet rather embarassed eyes. “Many,” she admitted truthfully, grabbing his hand from her thigh to lead it down between her legs, shifting between his eyes. “I kept thinking of what you did to me, keeping the memory alive in my mind,” she whispered. She swallowed hard and drew in a trembling breath. “I want to feel what it’s really like to be with you and not just imagine what it could be like,” she said, moving her hands down to grab his shirt. It didnt feel fair that he was still fully clothed while all she wore was her panties. “Have you thought of me?” She whispered, biting her lip a little by instinct.

“I rubbed myself to the thoughts of having you in my mouth,” she said, but she wasnt sure how else to describe it. “It didnt feel like it was enough to just do that so I tried to stick my fingers in like you did... One of my pillows from my sofa smelled just like you,” she whispered, drawing in a shaky breath at the thought. She had felt dirty, but in a way it had been quite arousing too. She squirmed under his touch, sighing deeply in pleasure.
His assurance made her nod as she felt him slide her underwear to the side. She felt both nervous and excited and far more prepared than last time. She listened to him as he spoke of his dirty endavours, making her smile a little. She caressing his face gently as he spoke of wet dreams, leaning up to kiss him carefully but then his fingers touched her entrance and she moaned. She lifted her legs up to open herself up for him, looking up at him with pink cheeks and hasty breath. “Will it hurt?” She asked a little worried, but she trusted him fully.

She shook her head at his question, folding her lip a little as she worried that was a bad thing. “I wish,” she whispered. Had she known this was happening she would definitely have bought the necessary things to make it good for the both of them. She swallowed hard and drew in a trembling breath. “We’ll make do,” she whispered, smiling faintly as she reached up to touch his face. She really did have to trust him and she did. “I’ll try and stay calm,” she whispered, curling her toes a little as she felt his fingers tease her in slow swirls, whimpering softly as she just wanted to feel him already. She nodded eagerly at his tease, placing a hand on his stomach as she looked at up at him with tender eyes. She had missed seeing him naked, feel his skin rub against hers again.
She let him pull off her panties and kept her legs spread, as shy as she actually felt, a part of her wanted him to see her as well, see what he hadnt been allowed to see for weeks. She gasped as he pulled her closer, unsure if they were going to just go at it or not. She let him stay in control as she didnt know what to do herself. His whisper sent shivers down her spine, it was like whenever he spoke french, she knew it was something that would pull at her heartstrings. If he kept speaking this way, she was sure that any time he’d speak french, even just in regular speech, she would get aroused. She returned the kiss, moaning against his lips in an eager manner,  “I am,” she agreed in a soft whisper, wrapping her arms around his neck.
She gasped in surprise as he adjusted her, feeling his member press against her entrance. “Gerard,” she whimpered, holding onto him like she was afraid what would happen if she let go. “It feels so big,” she whispered a little overwhelmed, looking at him with soft eyes. “I love you.” She whispered lovingly, moving her hips carefully, just teasing herself on his length because she felt so eager to feel him, even if it could hurt. “I want you,” she moaned, pressing her chest up towards his.

She could tell he was concerned for her and her mind was slowly thinking of what she could do to ease that concern. She was quite eager, that was true, but she was also rather careful as to not doing something that would end up hurting her. She felt his tip slide in and she tightened her grip around him as she moaned in delight. It felt a little tight but she could tell it would hurt if they just went any further than that. He urged her to move when she felt ready but she could still feel his concern. “Would it ease your mind if we found some lube?” She asked in a low whisper, kissing his face a couple of times.
She let go of him carefully and kissed his chest. “I have an idea,” she mumbled but she wasnt too sure. She got up and went to her kitchen to grab some coconut oil and looked at it. She remembered Maddie once saying something in the likes of having read somewhere that coconut oil was good for hair and to work as lube, rather than being consumed. It was quite odd for a vampyre to know but she guessed it was some sort of random fact somewhere. She wasnt sure why she had bought it anyway, but it was worth a try. She came back and handed it to him before she kissed him again in the same eager manner she had had when she moved against him. A small smile spread on her lips as she laid down and looked up at him, lifting and spreading her legs carefully for him. “Is it good enough?” She asked, reaching up to gently touch his chest.

She watched him prepare himself, curling her toes a little as she wasnt sure what it would feel like. Her cheeks reddened as her breath trembled a little. She whimpered softly as he touched her, closing her eyes halfway as she looked up at him. She wasnt really sure what to do with her arms, so she just grabbed onto his arms and nodded at his reassurance. She bit her lip as he kissed her chest, moving her hands up to entangle her fingers in his soft curls. She felt herself hold her breath till he reminded her to breathe, exhaling as she focused on breathing. She felt him push into her and she gasped softly as she felt herself stretch out around his length. She moaned vulnerably, moving her hands dpwn to softly dig her nails into his back, feeling him slowly push further and further in. She was thankful that he stopped when she needed and it and it was like before she knew it, he was all the way in. She groaned a little as it wasnt a feeling she was used to but it wasnt really hurting her. His praise made her look at him with soft eyes, drawing in a few deep breaths. “Je t’aime,” she whispered lovingly, not exactly saying it perfectly but it wasnt far off, moving herself carefully as she started to moan. If he started to move, her moans would intensify and she would squirm a little under him as she felt how his member stroked her insides in such a delightful way.