Catching up [cw]

Saoirse was sitting at her desk, trying to figure out this assignment. Ezra had helped her a lot, but she needed to do the rest by herself. Then she looked at her phone, a name on her screen that she hadn't seen in what felt like forever. She looked at it, feeling her heart race. Getting up from her chair she felt worried, grabbing her phone and putting it in her pocket before she walked to the front door. Opening it she walked out, however she just stood there, looking at him in disbelief. She felt her eyes water, but she didn't know what to do. She wanted to run in to his arms, have his scent surround her and make her heart heal. However he looked so stern, and she feared that he would push her away. "Yes?" she said, her voice weak, breaking a little as she looked down. She could almost feel the incoming storm of his words. How he would scold her, calling her all sorts of words.

Saoirse looked at the car at his demand. He wouldn't hurt her, she knew that much, but she feared what he meant. Her parents wouldn't be home before late, and she felt her breath halter as she took a step closer. Would he force her if she denied? "What do you want, Amos?" she pleaded. She didn't even know what she wanted herself anymore. However she walked closer, attracted to him as always like she had been since she was a child. Being drawn to him like a moth to a flame. She got in the car, putting on the seatbelt in silence.

She just sat there, looking out the windshield, feeling her heart beat faster than anything. Even if he was driving carefully she felt scared. Nauseous even. Placing her arms around herself she looked down. She had remembered locking the door this time, so her parents wouldn't be scared if they came back before her. She took out her phone, texting her father that she would be spending some time with Amos, putting her phone back in her pocket once that was done. "Just say it already ... Yell at me how much of a terrible person I am, because I know," she said, closing her eyes.

Saoirse braced herself, taking a few deep breaths as he replied. She just felt her heart sink, because when had he last asked her what she wanted. "Since when has it mattered what I want?" she whispered, feeling her eyes water under her lids. She felt like she would regret getting in the car, but she hadn't known what else to do. "When did it ever matter? I had no choice in these bonds, I have no control over my emotions, so tell me; Why shouldn't you yell at me?" she asked, looking at him, tears running down her cheeks.

"Yes I do listen to myself, and because of you I doubt everything about my intuition!" she said, shaking now as she looked down once more. His outburst made her squeeze her eyes together, jumping at the sound of his hand hitting the wheel. "Is that what you want? To hurt me? Is that why I'm in this car right now?" she asked, this time she was feeling her fear in her throat, making it hard for her to focus.

"I told you you didn't have to, I gave you the freedom, yet you keep coming back to play with me like I'm just some toy," she said, however as she got towards the end of that sentence she fell silent. It was like she could feel the pain in his hand, rubbing her own that suddenly stung a little.
He stopped at a grand house, and she frowned, getting out of the car to follow him. "Amos, just tell me what I should do! You keep pulling me in to push me away, and every time it feels like a part of me dies," she said, following him, because she needed answers. Why did she always have to feel so guilty? Why was she never good enough in his eyes?

Saoirse felt confused, looking around, it was a nice place but she couldn't begin to think why he had picked here of all places. She had never been to his house before, and she had always wondered why. Then he started speaking and she felt her heart sink. She felt her eyes water, tears escaping where they could as she looked at him as he pressed her up against the wall. His words hurt her, and as he let go she felt herself collapse on the floor, crying in to her palms as she felt how her heart hurt. She felt like she was literally being torn apart, and she clutched a hand over her heart as she cried. She couldn't even apologize anymore, she was just broken. She had hurt him, she had been selfish and now all he wanted was for her to disappear.
After some time, she felt herself sniffle. "I- ... I can just disappear ... If ... Cause if-," she felt herself struggling. Just hearing that he wanted her gone, that all of the memories he wanted to be deleted, she didn't know if she could handle living with that pain in her chest. "I never ... I only wanted," she said, but she was sobbing too hard to get the words out.

Saoirse sobbed and she could sense as he sat down in front of her. She knew she had been the villain, she knew she had been bad, but she hadn't meant to. "Because ... All I could think of was how you had looked on the couch," she confessed, rubbing her eyes, as her breath was going a little all over the place. However it was not at the point of hyperventilating. "I was afraid Connor was going to hate me, and you had given me all sorts of thoughts," she said, looking at him as he didn't look at her. Looking down once more she took a few deep breaths. "I was afraid ... Because when you left, the words you had said about lovers just kept ringing in my head ... How I wasn't enough, how I would never be enough - and that's okay, but I just felt so lost and confused without you," she said. However she wasn't discrediting what her and Connor had done, she still had loved every second of it, and she thought that it made her a bad person.
"Amos, you've spent so much time pushing me away, that when I finally got close to you, I didn't know what to do with all of the emotions in my chest," she said. "Besides, I ... I was afraid of losing Connor too," she said. She sighed deeply, wiping away a few rogue tears. She really did feel selfish now, because she clearly couldn't handle a life without either of them. "I asked him what he wanted, and I gave it to him ... He has never once asked me for anything, and I thought that the least I could do was give him something that I could only share one time ... Do you know how many sleepless nights he's had because I've had nightmares after you had said something or done something?" she asked, feeling her throat in knots.

Saoirse looked at him, seeing how he meant the words he said, and she knew he had been awake. That was what had made it worse. "You know I don't see it like that," she whispered, feeling guilty again. He was right. At least she hadn't been alone, but he was the only one who could soothe her if he had been the one to hurt her. As he looked at her, she saw the faint trails of tears, reaching her hand forward to cup his face if he let her. Her thumb moving over the area, removing the trail as she felt her hand shake a little.
His words about how she felt made her frown, because she didn't know what she felt when she was with Amos. Sure, she loved him, but the way he had kept pushing her away had dug a drench between them. "You don't think I felt safe and loved that evening on the couch? You don't think I relished every single second of it, even when you just held me close while I fell asleep?" she asked, looking down, her hand falling from his face to land in her lap. "I didn't do all of that just to keep you satisfied ... I did it because I love you, because when you trust me, I can trust you," she said, sniffling a little as she still felt her heart beating away in her chest.

His reply just made her feel empty inside. He didn't know? He always seemed to know exactly in the moment, and now she was left heartbroken once more. She thought this was the end, the point where he asked her to leave and never come back. However then she felt his hand grab her shirt, pushing her back against the wall. Feeling his lips was like a relief to her whole system, returning the kiss as it was pure instinct for her. She had a hard time denying him anything, because all she wanted was for him to be happy. Their lips separated and she gasped for air, her eyes still closed as she was trying to get her heart under control. "You're doing it again," she whispered. She was hurt and broken, and he was still playing with her by pushing her away only to pull her closer. Did he even know what he wanted? Opening her eyes carefully she looked at his face, his features still so recognizably safe for her. "Amos, what do you want? Because I can't handle this much longer," she said in a sad voice.

He didn't know, and it made her feel a little uneasy. Mostly because his body sure seemed to know what he wanted. He pulled at her again, however sitting on his lap made her feel more at ease. The closer he was, the more she seemed to forget how hurt she had been a moment ago. Her lips moved eagerly against his, her hips moving in a slow motion, greeting his carefully. "Amos," she whispered against his lips, feeling like he was doing this on purpose. She moved her lips away from his, placing her forehead against his. "Don't use me as a distraction from talking about this," she pleaded softly. Despite enjoying his touch and kisses, she needed to know that he wasn't just using her like that. She wanted them to talk, and she wanted to know why he had brought her here of all places.

Swallowing at his words she looked down. She had seen the tears, and she couldn't tell if she had ever seen him cry before. He moved away and she felt herself lost once more. This was how it had always been, always back and forth. However this time it was different. "How about I ask some more leading questions?" she asked, leaning her head against the wall that she had moved back to. She didn't even know why they were still sitting on the floor, but she didn't feel like moving.
She adjusted her shorts a little as well as her shirt. "When you look at me, what are you thinking about?" she asked.