Quite the Change

James was simply pacing. He had all this anger and sadness, but he didn't know how to get it out. He felt like a kid again, like this whirlwind of strong emotions would come crashing down over him. He didn't even hear her approach before she handed him the note. He stopped in his path, staring at the paper. What good was it to him anyways? Cecilia had left him, she had made it very clear even in that note that she did not care for his sorrow. She hadn't even mentioned her own son! His anger started fuming again before he took the note, and it was as if he felt numb. His eyes betrayed him once more, filling with tears as he fell to his knees, the cold earth beneath him not even feeling real. He was shaking a little bit, sobbing as he just couldn't hold everything in anymore. All of those fears and thoughts he had had when Cecilia left him and Mars behind. All of those sleepless nights he had had to endure because he couldn't even bear to sleep in his own bed without her.
Her words had done little to comfort him, because he didn't even know what to do with himself now. Elora had just informed him that what he had done in the park was what she had wanted, and on top of that she had been the cause of Cecilia's suicide. His feelings were so torn and stretched to the limits that he could barely feel anything. "Did you expect that the truth would set me free?" he asked, drying his cheeks off before he looked at the note once more. The writing didn't even seem like the Cecilia he knew and remembered, it sounded like a shell of her. "You know ... This whole time, I thought it was me; That it was because I'm so unbearable to be with that made her take her own life ... That everything was my fault." Even if he wanted to move, it was like he couldn't. He couldn't get his own body to do just the simple task of moving.

Maybe she had haboured this deep hope that telling him the truth had made him ready to sever bonds with her. Kept himself and his son safe, away from her and the whole mess that revolved around her. "Yes," she said in a sorrowful tone, looking down as she wasnt sure what to do with herself. She couldnt take the liberty of crying, just sticking to focusing on keeping her expression stiff and unchanged. His confession made her frown for a bit as she looked down at the ground. "And now you know it wasnt, so you can finally heal" she said, as if that would better the damage. She knew it wouldnt, the damage had been done. Couldnt he just get angry with her, yell at her or do something, anything! She clenched her hands, not understanding why he seemed so powerless to do anything. "But you have a responsibility, to keep your son safe," she said, feeling her tone shake.
"Do you want him to be close to the person who killed his mother? You gotta be kidding me, dont be so selfish," she said, feeling her anger get to her. She knew there was no point of return from here on out, better make sure it was nailed shut. She stepped forward and shoved at him. "What are you waiting for? Either get fucking angry or get the fuck out of here!" she said, feeling so frustrated that he wasnt doing anything.

It was as if his whole body was drained, like no matter what he couldn't move. Her point blank replies didn't help. A lycan was usually rather expressive and never let themselves hold back, but he just felt so empty. He felt so bad, bad because he was fighting his own feelings for Elora, knowing that he couldn't be with her, that Mars would never understand and that no-one would ever understand. He stood up, looking at the sky, feeling a few droplets of water fall on his face. That was when she pushed him, asking him what he was waiting for but he didn't even know.
He grabbed her wrist, stopping her if she wanted to push him again. "You ask me to react to something that you've kept a secret for years, and expect me to react right away," he said, sounding awfully numb, looking down at her wrist, letting go, it hadn't been a rough grip. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. And why was that? She said it so herself, she had practically killed Cecilia, right? And yet, he had a hard time believing it. "Did you see what she saw? The moment you looked her in her eyes one last time, did you see what made life unbearable?" he asked. It was a strange question, but he knew that Cecilia had had a bad upbringing. He just wanted to hear her worst fear or whatever it had been to be the last straw.
"And why didn't you say anything back then? I ... I could've gotten her help, I could've set up a support system, and instead the last month of our relationship was bitter and she was distant and I thought it was because I worked too much," letting it all out as tears ran down his cheeks. The rain was picking up, drizzling down on them, but he didn't even notice it.

She would definitely have pushed him again if he didnt grab her wrist but his words hit hard. It was true, she had had a long time to prepare for this, think of all the possible scenarios and maybe thought out how it was meant to be. But nothing was going after her head and it was all so typical. She just looked at him, unsure what to say or do, even as he let go of her wrist. He hadnt even hurt her with a harsh grip. His question made her sigh, shaking her head as she looked down. "I dont see what people see. I only see the expression of what it does to them. And that's enough to know that it's unthinkable," she explained quietly, fiddling a bit with her fingers.
But then he started speaking of helping her and Elora frowned, though she was still looking down. She felt tears in her own eye, blurring her vision. She sniffled and shook her head. "Shut up..." she whispered, drawing in a deep breath to control herself. "There was nothing you could have done, it takes all the bad, everything that could tear you down and it pulls that over you like a rug, suffocating you. Some can break through, others cant be helped," she said, shaking her head. Maybe there had been a chance of helping Cecilia, but Elora didnt believe it. It would only have made it that much harder on everyone.

"You don't know that!" he said, gritting his teeth as he looked at her. "I might've helped her, or gotten her the help she needed and Mars would've still had his mother!" He rarely raised his voice, because he hated the stereotype that lycans couldn't control themselves. But how dared she say there had been nothing to do. There was plenty of options, but she hadn't just been honest with him. If she had, maybe it would've all been different and if not, maybe it had meant that he could accept the things that had happened better. He shook his head. She was right, he needed to go.
"You took that choice from me," he said, frowning as he started to move away from her. "But I'm done not choosing anything for myself anymore ... I've chosen to go to Aurvandil, and I'm going to raise my son in a safe place where he is loved and where there might be a future for him," he said, clearly referring to the state of the world right now. And with that he left, not even a goodbye, because that was not something she could ever force out of him.