Going through changes

"Well it is circumstances that I create that dictate the situation," he argued, looking at her like he was awaiting some sort of response but he wasnt really. He definitely saw himself as some sort of burden to her, at least for the time being. She shrugged but he was sure there were something. Her mumble made him listen more attentively, looking away in a thoughtful manner at her suggestion. "We might as well try," he said before letting go of her hand. He lifted his hand to her face to hold it before leaning down to kiss her lips, clearly not natural in motion but at least he managed to move his lips carefully against hers. Only that he didnt really feel much and she probably felt the same. He moved his face away and frowned as he looked at her face. "You are all I care about. If you want me to abandon this and go home with you and Saoirse, that's the power you hold,"

His stiff movements, the way he just leaned in. It felt so unnatural, and yet she wanted to hold on to that hope. It just didn't feel right, and that was perhaps the worst part of it all. Shaking her head at his words she looked down. "Giving up now would mean we have both suffered for nothing," she said quite determined. Blinking a few times she let go of his hand, standing up and walking away from him and over to her desk. Why was she still so selfish? If he didn't feel the need to kiss her, why was she so adamant on it? Wasn't that just forcing him to do something he didn't like? "It wouldn't be right to ask that of you, and with Simeon out there how could I ever sleep soundly?" It wasn't really a question that needed to be answered, because she wouldn't be able to sleep. And that wasn't even accounting for everything that had happened.
"Belial, I love you ... With all my heart and soul and that is why I know I can endure this," she said, her hand shaking a little as she placed it on her desk, looking at the papers in the dark. He had clearly not moved them as they were as they had been when she had lost her sight. "It's just going to be harder for me, especially with my sight back," she said. That was what she feared the most. Having to look at him every day and not see a single thing on his face light up. "And I'm afraid that my last memories of you ... Are going to be your emotionless expression."

She got up and he watched her outline disappear to where he knew her desk would be in this room. She spoke of Simeon and he clenched his jaw slightly just by the mention of his name alone. Baal knew they had to kill him and be sure that he would never come back. Because he would never stop hunting them till he got what he wanted.
Her words should have been comforting but he couldnt quite feel it. He heard the papers react to her touch, folding his hands, while his mind thought that that was all she had to say. He turned his eyes in her direction as she spoke again, his expression as stoic as it was, turning slightly confused as he was trying to figure out what she meant. Why would her sight being back make it harder for her? It seemed that she soon answered the question and it made him stand up in an instant like he wasnt going to listen to it. "Is that what you think will happen?" - "That we will even have time for last memories?" he said a little aggravated as he then shook his head and sighed. "I'm sorry.. I dont mean to sadden you," he said, his words so sudden and then he had left.

She heard him get up, heard how angry he sounded, but for once she was happy that it was anything besides that monotone voice of his. It felt like he was there, even for a brief moment, but then his true self retreated as quickly as it had gotten there. Hearing him leave she just sat down in her chair by her desk, looking at the paper on the table. He had apologized, but it didn't feel right.

She had let him leave, laying down in bed after undressing but it felt empty. She kept tossing and turning, but now that her eyesight was back any small light felt so disturbing to her sleep that she went in and out of it rather often.

After continuing to toss and turn, she decided just to get up. Maybe just walking until she got tired was a solution? She wrapped a shawl around her shoulders, not that she was cold, but as some sort of comforting blanket. The halls at this hour were pretty empty, only a few cultists hanging around as they were keeping guard over the premises. At least they kept the lighting low so her eyes wouldn't be too irritated. It felt strange seeing things, and she sometimes caught herself walking around with closed eyes because she knew these halls so well at this point. She hoped that her experience as a blind would help her in the future, but for now, she was happy to be able to open her eyes once in a while.
She stopped at the entrance to the mess hall, seeing the door open she walked closer. Sighing she saw him sitting there by the wall, entering as she walked closer. "Normally a bed would be better to rest on," she said calmly, but she wasn't trying to stir up his anger again. She just wanted him to get the rest that he deserved, and she clearly couldn't sleep without him by her side. Reaching her hand out to him she smiled, "come to bed."

Buffy sighed, seeing as he didn't take her hand she just pulled her shawl closer around her before sitting down next to him. Even if she couldn't see the bruises, she could see how the mural had been hit. "You haven't failed me," she said quite calmly, looking out at the mess hall as she took a deep breath. "Honestly, I think I might've been the one to fail you ... Not fully understanding what you are going through," her voice warmer than when they had been in the bedroom. She just sat for a while with him, if he himself remained seated that was.
"I've always been rather stubborn and selfish," she said, a small smile on her lips, seeing a bit of light from the hallway sneaking in from the door, but it wasn't moving really. It was just that her eyes were slowly coming back to their senses. "That was why I turned around back at that coffee shop ... That was why I kept writing all of those texts, why even if I couldn't have you, I still wanted you," she couldn't really help but chuckle as she looked down at her fingers, seeing her hands for the first time in a while, rubbing her knuckles lightly.
"That's why when I found out I was pregnant I refused to give up our child, and even now I can't let you go; Because you are a part of me; Because no matter what, I know that the love we share is real."

Smiling at his admittance she reached her hand over, holding on to the hand he hand just hurt against the wall. Her thumb running over his knuckles in slow movements. "Ideal or not, we're still together," she said. That had to count for something, at least in her opinion. "We've fought our own troubles, we've fought everything that has been thrown at us ... That's why I believe that we can withstand this," she said, turning her head to look at him. His grey eyes with green specs always reminding her of how far they have come. She was still willing to fight for the two of them, even if she had to do it on her own for a while. "When I look at you I sometimes wonder what would've happened if we had never met; How boring my life would be, how I would go the rest of my life looking for the feeling that you give me," was she being a bit sentimental? Well, yeah, a little bit, but she felt it was only right.
"But our journey together isn't over," she said, her lips pulling up in a smile as she just took in his features. His dark marks that were so visible these days, even in the dark as they still had that slight glow to them. Sometimes she thought it looked like lava, like the stuff you saw in movies, but she didn't linger too long on that. "I'm sorry that I'm this harsh on you; I just wish we could talk like we used to ... Or perhaps you could take my hand and it not feeling forced."

He looked at her hand as she touched his bruised hand. Then he turned his eyes to her, knowing that it may be silly to assume that they would have any say in what their life was going to be like when they had chosen each other regardless of consequence. Well some day the consequences would catch up and that was why they were here now. To make sure that it wouldnt be something that would come back to haunt them ever again. "I wouldnt have known that love like this could exist without you," he mumbled.
She was right though, their journey was far from over and that was meaningful. He looked at her before he looked at her hand on his, turning it before he placed his index in her palm, carefully feeling her skin. Sure it was an abnormal way for him to touch her, but it felt more natural to him when he was like this. "I know that you long for the man I was, and I want to give that to you. But I cant both keep the cultists dependent on us, planning our future plans and do all the horrible things that I do to innocent people and be that man who comforts and kiss you out of free will, because that man is buried under all the horrible things I do every day," he explained before he looked at her a little more lively even if it was a self pointed frustration, looking at her as it wasnt exactly something they had talked about before. They hadnt really talked about any of the horrible things that he had done, not truly.

This right here was what she was talking about. Him touching her not because she demanded it, but because he wanted to on his own accord. Even if it felt a little strange, she knew it was him, and that was really all that mattered. Swallowing at his words she looked at him, knowing that he had made sacrifices that were beyond even her own understanding. "You know you can talk to me about it, even though you feel like you don't want me to know," she said. She knew that what he was doing wasn't good, but in the grand scheme of things, it was a necessary evil. At least that was what she was trying to think about. It didn't take away the feeling of letting others down, but at the end of all of this, perhaps they could all find peace with what had happened.

"I guess that I fear that you wont be able to distinguish the man I am now from the man I was before all this," he admitted, still touching the inside of her palm in small lazy caresses, looking at that rather than her as she seemed to look at him. He wasnt capable of feeling shameful but it was like the confrontation wasnt that welcome either. "That maybe he's lost in the veil that the artifact has thrown over me, " he added with a sigh, leaning his head back against the wall as he looked ahead into the dark mess hall. "I would have really harmed our child if I hadnt been stopped twice, twice was I the cause for her anguish and fright" he said, his expression still stoic.

"I know," she said, but she sounded rather calm about it. Maybe it was because she had had so much time to reflect over everything that nothing really surprised her anymore. "I know that you've hurt her, and you've hurt me ... But Saoirse is my daughter, and she's like me in the way that she'll come around to forgive you," she said, just looking at him. She had missed seeing him, even if it was this stoic face she was met with. He was looking a little paler, but she guessed it was one of the side effects of the artefact. "Belial, I think you have put up this façade because ... well, you don't want to accept the fact that no matter what you do, you'll still have your family to rely on."

She didnt really have to remind him of the fact that he had hurt her as well. But she was right regardless. He just kept looking ahead, watching the door that was letting in a dim light. Her words made him scoff as she was probably right, but he just wished it wasnt so. "When does reliance turn into dependence, when does aid turn into burden?" he asked, blinking a few times as his body was starting to feel fatigued. He wondered if his body would keep getting weaker and weaker just like it had when he had opened up the first portal. "When does the glass run over and enough is enough? Our love can withstand much, as it has proved, but what about the people around us?"

Buffy could hear his frustration, but alas what could she tell him? She didn't have the answer, but her free hand moved up to place it's palm against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "I think that's a matter of perspective, my love," she said, looking at her hand as she felt his heart drum behind his ribcage. He felt skinnier than he usually was, tired as well but that was a given. "But you need your rest; I can't allow you to waste away before we've fully realized this plan," she said, leaning down to kiss his shoulder, leaning her cheek against it for a while.

He felt her hand on his chest but probably didnt have explain that she would probably feel how he was really just getting weaker. "You may be right," he said, looking at her for a bit before looking back ahead again. It was like she always knew what he needed, even when he couldnt tell himself. "It's getting harder to sleep with all the darkness inside of me," he explained. It was just another way that his body and the artifact worked against each other, because his body needed the rest but the artifact kept him restless. With a sigh, he nodded and started getting up from the wall. Maybe he could just lay there and eventually succumb to a slumber.

"You want me to try and grant you some relief?" she asked. She had done it before, so why shouldn't she be able to replicate it? Although right now she was tired and still adjusting to her own vision. Maybe now wasn't a wise time, but she would do anything for him if he asked her. He got up, and she did as well, standing for a bit as she just looked at him. He looked fatigued, like he was getting smaller.
"Belial, is there anything you want me to do for you?" she asked, because she clearly wanted to help. It was just hard to figure out what could soothe him or make him feel better - or maybe even stronger?

Her question made him groan as he wasnt really sure what they were supposed to do. She might be able to do something as she was his counterpart now, but wouldnt it just be a temporary solution to an inevitable outcome? "I-" was all he got to say as some cultist disrupted their conversation by barging in. "Blood and light of Bael, there's an urgent matter at hand," he said, looking at the both of them with a worried look. Baal made a small nod before he looked at Buffy and sighed. "We'll try when we return,"

Following the cultist, they had to leave the premises and walk down a few streets. The daemons were all over the place, watching over them as they walked. Upon entering an old building, Baal frowned by the sight that met him, clearly confused. A hole in the ground, the edges swirling around in the exact same manner as a portal to the Abyssus would. But he hadnt opened any in this region?

She wasn't really prepared to be interrupted, but she kept quiet, nodding as she went to follow the cultist. But as they stopped she wasn't really sure what she was looking at. "Belial, did you-?" she asked, but looking at him she could see he was just as surprised. Walking a little closer it was clear that the darkness reached to her, wanting to reach out and grab her. "This portal might become too unstable if we leave it like this," she said, turning around to look at Belial. He had most experience with portals, perhaps he had an idea.

"-No," he just answered plain and quick, looking at the portal with a dark expression. He walked closer too, maybe a little closer than Buffy as he reached down and felt the ground right at the lining of the portal. "Something isnt right about this," he remarked, closing his eyes as he ran his hand closer to the portal, stopping his hand right at the separation between the real world and the realm of the damned, without touching the latter. He wouldnt want to know what Raziela had been feeling like when her arm got ripped off as an offering. "It can be sealed but only with the blood of a seraph," - "There arent anyone in this district or South," a cultist remarked.

She watched with caution as he walked closer. They had both been to the Abyssus before, but this was different. Belial spoke of blood of a seraph and she wondered why or how he knew that. Placing a hand on his shoulder she looked at the dark pit that seemed to stretch on forever. "I doubt my blood would do little help, but there would be no harm in trying, right?" she suggested. Perhaps it was enough to be of seraph blood and not be a seraph per say. But she didn't know the rules.

He looked at her hand on his shoulder before he removed his hand from the potential danger that followed being so close to the portal. Her suggestion seemed harmless, but nothing was really harmless when it came to these portals. "We're only lucky that no one is around to suffer casualties if it doesnt work," he remarked, before he took her hand and held her palm. "I'll be quick," he said but on the other hand, he had to do it right. Pulling a small knife from his belt, he took a firmer grip on her palm before he cut a circle into her skin, a few markings too inside the circle, parallel to each other like they were opposites. "Repeat after me," he commanded her before pulling her hand over the hole, chanting a few words in their ancient tongue.

Gritting her teeth as he cut in to her soft flesh, she could feel the blood rush to the surface without even looking at her hand. He told her to repeat, and as she said the first word, her eyes started to glow, lighting up the darkness where they were standing. Continuing with her chant, her blood fell down in to the pit where it soon started to sound like it was boiling. Buffy's eyes continued to glow, as if something was affecting her, and it wasn't herself as she moved closer to the portal, eventually standing on the darkness, but not sinking in. "Let the light return to the Abyssus," she commanded, but she seemed so far from herself at this moment. She was demanding to be let through the portal, but it wouldn't budge. Her brow furrowing as she commanded it in the ancient language that the artefact knew oh so well, a bright light shining from her whole being now, light surrounding her as if it was sharp and hot flames.

It seemed to be going fine, Baal wasnt sure how it was supposed to look if it worked, but seeing something happen to the portal as Buffy's blood dripped down into it was probably a good sign. Though he noticed the change in Buffy but reacted too late as she stepped onto the portal. He frowned deeply and got up, looking at her as she seemed to demand entry, only that the portal wouldnt grant her that. "Buffy, it's no use, you're not allowed into the Abyssus like this just yet," he tried, but she seemed different. "The dark rejects your light," he spoke in their ancient tongue, as it was what the portal was whispering as it was reacting to the seraphim blood, though it may have seemed like it was something he had decided.