Childhood sweethearts

The assurance was nice but it wasnt really going to let the feeling of not being enough really just go away like that. Even if he was better than the last one, he didnt feel like some dickhead could set the bar and just let him pass because he was decent enough. He wanted to shake his head at her promise and say that he did have to be perfect. But it wouldnt really get them anywhere. It was just hard when he had grown up seeing his parents make it work and love each other the way they did. He was however glad to hear that she was up for meeting Eliza. Sighing a little he looked down. "I just hope Mickey will behave," he sighed. The hybrid always had a way to get angry with anything if she wanted to.
He followed her to the kitchen as she dragged him, humming at her question as he thought about it. "I'm not actually sure. She didnt say, so I'll have to ask her," he admitted before he looked out into the room in his own ponder. "I think I want to ask my friend Kaden to show up. I dont think I've ever gotten to introduce the two of you. Most probably because I didnt want to get jealous," he chuckled.

"Mickey will try her best if she knows what it's all for," she said, although a little hesitantly. Mostly because she wasn't sure telling the hybrid about this relationship was the best cause of action. But then again, she had never done something where her friend didn't back her up.
As he mentioned some friend named Kaden she couldn't help but raise her eyebrow at his words after. "Jealous? Why? Is he good looking?" She asked making her shoulders shimmy at him, wiggling her eyebrows. She softened up shaking her head, putting down her croissant before wrapping her arms around him. "Nah, don't you worry, I've got all the eyecandy right here," she said, being rather sweet as she kissed his lips gently.

"Tall and blonde?" She hummed, before cracking a smile. She was just kidding of course, seeing as she was clearly just really in love with Deacon and not some guy who thought he was a big shot because he made music.
As he leaned away, frowning lightly she looked up at him. His proud smile making her scoff, giving him a light and playful push before unwrapping herself from him. "I'm not gonna stroke your ego more than it needs," she just said. A clear yes. She thought he was really handsome to her, like the kind of guy who might be a model or actor. His genepool was probably crazy and filled with pretty people. "Could you figure out a night for when we are going out? Then I know how long I got before I have to tell the others about ... yknow us," she said, taking a big gulp of her coffee.

It was a little weird how he reacted, if not worrying.
She just let him leave, felling like she was maybe pushing it. She hated that they both had a past, because it clearly made them both fucked up. She gave him some time to breathe, making her finish her coffee in the meantime.
As she came outside to him, she could see he was upset. "Deac if you don't want to tell them, then we don't have to, " she tried assuring him. She just wanted to be with him, even if it had to be a secret.

She could understand that he was conflicted. She valued her freedom too, but just because they became official didn't mean they had to live through everything together. "This isn't about putting you down and me on a pedestal," she breathed out, mostly because that imbalance wouldn't be good for any of them. "I don't mind keeping it to ourselves for a while longer if you want to be sure about all of this," it did sting a little to say that, but she had to bite back her pride. She wanted to be with him, but he had to want it too.
"If you don't want to call it a relationship, then ... maybe friends with benefits? I don't know, I just feel weird hiding what I feel about you," she said, maybe a little desperate.
She wanted to tell Mickey off when they were all together, but that would just put Deacon's pride at risk and would be out of character. Reaching over she took his free hand, lifting it to kiss the back of it gently, not being able to help herself she smiled against his skin. He just made her feel happy and that wasn't a feeling she was used to. "If neither works for you, then we have to set up some ground rules for the night out ... like are we allowed to flirt with others or dance with others?"

He smoked from his cigarette as he listened to her. He wasnt sure what she meant about him having to be sure, because he didnt think he ever would be. It was just his stupid brain and the way it was wired. "Friends with benefits?" he repeatedin a mutter, clearly not liking the idea. He could already feel Mickey's hands grabbing at his collar, calling him a coward and what else words that fit her vocabulary. She knew just how to be vile when she wanted to.
He was a little in his head as she grabbed his hand but he looked at her, listening to her next words. But he didnt even want any of that. If he saw her flirt with someone? He'd see red. Most definitely. "I dont know Franks. I dont want to not be a thing but I dont know what thing I'd be either," he admitted, grabbing onto her fingers as she held the back of his hand. He placed the bud between his lips and looked out on the city. "What do you want?" he just asked, because he couldnt say what he wanted right now.

What she wanted? That was so hard to say. She liked Deacon, of course she did she had told him she loved him for the gods' sake. She looked at how he held her fingers, sighing to herself. "I just want you, Deac, I don't know if I need a word to define what this is just yet," she spoke rather honestly and vulnerably. She didn't like how easy it was for her to show her inner self to him. But it was also nice having someone she could always count on. "I want us to be exclusive," she finally said. She wasn't sure how he felt about it, because he seemed so much in his head about everything. Looking out at the city she felt like she couldn't find her own words. She wanted to be his girlfriend, but just the mention of that had driven him out here on the balcony. It scared her too, but she just knew that she had to have something to lean on.
"But if you don't know what you want ... Then maybe it's not the right time for us to be anything," she whispered, not really liking saying it, but they had to agree on something at least.

It was maybe a lot to ask for someone who was as clueless as himself but maybe if she said something, just anything she wanted he could just go along with it and eventually knock some sense into his own thick skull. She wanted to be exclusive. That wasnt really a tough demand to handle, but he also just couldnt wrap his head around it. Not that he would be unfaithful, hell he wouldnt even know what he would really do. Probably fuck it up somehow, just like he did best all the time.
Her whisper made him fold his lips as he thought it through once more. But all the thoughts lead to the same resolution, the same conclusion. "I dont know Frankie," he said with a shrug. Did that make him a shitty person? Probably. It was just head empty and panic every time relationship was mentioned.

He didn't know. Alright, Frankie, calm down, no need to make a scene and cry about it. But she had to let go of his hand, feeling like her mind was filled with thoughts and she went inside without saying anything. There it was again. That fucking numbness that just snuck in to every cell of her body. She had been living in some fantasy world, hadn't she? She couldn't even find words, she just sat down on his couch, frowning as she was trying not to start yelling. Was she crazy?
He had said he loved her, he had said he meant it, so were they just supposed to leave it at that? Biting the inside of her cheek she just sat silently on his couch, staring in to the air because she had nothing to say. He didn't know. He didn't know what? If he wanted to be with her? If he actually loved her? If he could handle her craziness or overcome his past heartache.

He wasn't coming in. And she took that as a sign, grabbing her stuff and heading out the door. It was just easier this way. If they didn't say anything, then these weeks would be perfect. They would not be spoiled by the aftermath of everything. She felt her eyes wet, felt like as soon as she was alone she would cry herself to sleep. Instead of being alone, she called up Xalvador, knowing that he could maybe understand? She just needed a place to stay. She had already annulled her lease of her apartment, so she didn't really have a place to stay.
"Hi, it's Frankie. Listen, can I borrow a couch or something for a few days? Hell, I'll sleep on those gym mats in the warehouse," she said, but her voice was trembling and she felt her tears press on. "I think I was kidding myself ... I don't think he wants me anymore," she managed to whimper, still fighting to hold back her tears.

"I'm in Central, I don't know, at the corner store on ninth?" She said, looking around so she knew where it was. He told her to stay put and she just nodded, humming over the phone before hanging up. She put her phone in her pocket, adjusted the bag over her shoulders as she tried not to cry in public. She knew they hadn't even dated, but why did it feel like he broke up with her? One thing was for sure, she couldn't tell Mickey about all of this. It would make her castrate the guy, even though he probably deserved it a bit.
As he showed up on his bike she just hurried over to him, but she didn't hug him. It was like she was reverting herself back to protect herself. Instead she just climbed up on the back of his bike, holding on to his torso as to not just fly off as the engine roared. At this point she didn't even care where they went.

He picked her up as she climbed on, handing her an extra helmet that he had if she wanted it. Then he turned the bike and drove over to his home, not really talking much as the loud engine would just eat up all the words. When they were there, he let her get off before parking. Taking off his helmet he ran a hand through his hair and turned off the engine. He took her helmet too and then gestured towards his building. "Is it something you wanna talk about?" he just asked directly, just to set the groundstones. Because he would talk with her about whatever it was that had made her call him but he didnt want to intrude. So it was better to know now than having to bring it up later when she had calmed down and then have her get back into a bad mood. He didnt know if Gerard was home, but it probably didnt mattter, as long as Tessa wasnt also there.

She had decided to put on the helmet, just enjoying how the buildings and people seemed to blur in to one giant mess. As they stopped she got off, handing him the helmet back without really saying anything. Shouldn't she be thanking him? Probably, but she still felt way too in over her head with emotions to say much. "Not right now," she just said, following his guide up to the apartment.
Inside it looked pretty alright, it wasn't the worst apartment she had ever seen. Taking off her shoes she looked around for a bit. He had mentioned that his brother was a photographer, so she wasn't really surprised to see how the living room was split. Placing her bag down she just went around to look at the pictures that had been framed. She stopped at one picture where Xalvador had a girl on his back and they were both cracking up laughing. That had to be that model girl, right? "She's pretty," she said, knowing it wouldn't speak to the whole character of who that young woman was. Breathing out she shook her head. It was too happy for her to look at, the kind of joy that gave you a toothache from how sweet it was. "I'm sorry to just call you like that ... but my friends wouldn't understand," she said, playing with a loose string on her shirt that she kept wrapping around the tip of her finger until it turned dark red.

Once he had put away the helmets, he came into the livingroom to see her inspect the pictures. He didnt really mind, but the comment about Eliza made him shrug, "Yeah," he just agreed. He just went to the windowsill and sat on it, crossing his arms a little as he'd let her settle in. Maybe he should have told her to feel at home, but he wasnt really that good at formalities. "Dont worry about it," he assured her with a half smile that didnt quite make it, but softened up his features a little from the usual stern and harsh expression. "You can stay as long as you want, if that's what you need. And it wont mean that you owe me anything, I just wanna help where I can, with uh... whatever you're going through right now" he just said, looking at her to see if she believed him.

He told her not to worry, but she did feel like she was invading his space. She hadn't told Deacon that she had gotten rid of her apartment, because it would only have put more pressure on him. Now she knew it was a mistake, but at least she wasn't on the streets. And there was no way in hell she was crawling back to her parents. "Yeah, well I appreciate that," she said calmly, mostly because she had calmed down more than when she had called. That bike ride had been really cleansing for her. Looking at her finger she noticed how red the tip of her finger had gotten, poking it lightly with her free fingers. It felt numb. But so did the rest of her body.
"Who needs a partner anyways," she mumbled shaking her head. She was acting silly, wasn't she? She had been doing great on her own for so many years, so why was this taking such a toll on her? Maybe because it had been the first time she had really opened up since Gareth. "I just have to get over myself, right? I mean he's just ..." but she couldn't say it. He wasn't just some guy. He had been the one to make her feel again, and that had to count for something. Besides that, she still really did love him.
"I just have to get it together before I have to go out in town with our friends ... We have to meet up with his ex fiancé or something; I just knew it was a red flag."

Her mumble made the hybrid raise his eyebrow a little as he could then figure out that it was something with that guy he had seen. "There's nothing wrong with being hurt about someone that you like," he said which was funny coming from him as he was nothing but hurt most of the time when he thought of Eliza. But then she mentioned an ex and that made Xalvador frown in a mix disapproval and confusion, because what was all that about? "He- what?" he asked, before he shook his head and scoffed. He got off the windowsill and walked over to her if she still had her finger strung up, pulling the string off her finger. "I really cant speak for some other guy, but it does sound like he has to show that he's willing to fight for you if he has to and not this ex fiancé or whoever. And I know, I know, that's real cheap coming from me of all people. But you do agree, dont you?" he then said, looking at her finger before he made a small sigh.

Then why did it feel wrong? Everything about Deacon had felt so right, she had woken up every morning happy and she had smiled even when she thought about him. Now it just felt like some looney fantasy that could only ever happen in private. He came over to her, and he spoke such encouraging words but she just didn't know how to take it all. "I think it's more complicated than that, because aren't I a hypocrite then for not staying and going through this? Wouldn't that be me fighting for him?" she asked, looking at her finger that was now free. She couldn't even seem to feel that the hybrid was holding her hand.
"I told him I loved him ... And I'm not someone who just falls in love and tells it to everyone," she said, although she was sure he could understand to some capacity. She just knew that as soon as she saw him around his ex fiancé she would crumble inside, but could she really fight it if that was something he wanted more than her? "Fuck, Xal, I hate having feelings ... I just want it all to go away."

"Well if I remember correctly, you did tell me I had no balls for not trying, so I have to assume that you've at least tried to make it work?" he asked as he tilted his head a little at her. He felt like it was such a delicate subject that he had no actual knowledge to give out on. At least not constructively. He nodded as related to her words about not telling everyone she loved them. He understood that. He couldnt even think of a time where he had even said to Gerard that he loved him, at least not in direct words. Always actions, not so much talking. "If you figure out a way, do let me know," he said with a soft chuckle but also meant his words as well. He hated feeling shitty for something he felt like he couldnt turn around. "Hell, I wish there was just some switch that could turn it all off whenever it was most convenient. Would save a whole lot of trouble for the price of feeling nothing but shitty," he said with a shrug. Still holding onto her hand, looking at her finger that had been strung up.

She nodded. "I did try ... I suggested today that I wanted us to be exclusive, not see other people and all he said was I don't know," she said, shaking her head a little. Why did she always have to find the most emotionally unavailable guy to fall for?
He wanted to know if there was a way, chuckling softly as he spoke about feeling shitty. She could understand that. "The only thing that helps me is masturbating and smoking," she confessed, giggling softly as she found the whole notion absurd. "But even then I can't close my eyes and enjoy it, cause I just end up thinking about him ... And it sorta just turns in to a cryfest," breathing out in a sigh she turned her head to look down at their hands. She removed her hand, mostly because it didn't feel right. He was her friend, and she had tried the whole being friends first with Deacon. She was not risking another failure, at least not so fast after this one.
"Did I interrupt something?" she then asked, cause he had sounded a little weird maybe even confused over the phone.