For better or for worse [cw]

For @Baal

cw: sexual themes, blood, murder

He had been gone for far too long at this point. He had promised to visit, but it seemed like every time he came by, he stayed an hour and left, leaving Saoirse a mess to handle. Buffy was strong, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. It wasn't easy, but she was thankful to have Leona in her life, and Amos and Connor had proved themselves indispensable in this time. However she was growing weary. Every day she could feel like she was losing part of herself, and she knew it was a sign of Baal's battle.
It was out of sheer panic that she had called Alyssa, begging her to set up a meeting. And here she stood. Alone by the Hollow Tree where they had made their bonding all the way back in January. She touched the old wood, feeling the vibrations from the ancient tree. She just needed to see him, she needed to be able to talk to him without Saoirse making him muzzle himself. Her heart was breaking, and she felt that for every night of sleep, his scent was slowly leaving the house she lived in. It didn't feel like home without him.
Alyssa had dragged Baal with her, knowing that he was pretty stable right now, but they still had some things to work on before they could safely send him back. The empusa had only agreed to this because it wouldn't involve any seraphim, and a fenix was far from an enemy to a pure daemon.

Every day felt like a step closer to a losing battle. None of the books could tell them anything useful, a merge such as the one that had happened with Baal and the artifact either hadnt been documented or the results that were had all ended in failure. Being around his own kin felt relieving of the otherwise stress he seemed to feel but it was like the more time he spent at the temple, the more in touch he came with his inner daemon, the part of him he had spent so long on pushing away and forgetting. Some days it felt like nothing had changed, like he was still himself despite it all and then suddenly the next he could feel so out of his body. He became paranoid, afraid that he would return to Buffy as a different person than when he had left her or somehow become someone that she could no longer recognize.
Alyssa's way of persuasion was rather peculiar because it was either come or be dragged along anyway. So it wasnt just he could object as she suddenly seemed to want him to go somewhere. He recognized the woods as they definitely werent headed for the city, frowning a little as he looked at his sister. "Why are we...?" he stopped himself as he stopped walking, looking ahead towards the hollow tree. There she was, the woman he loved more than anything but also feared the most of all. It saddened him deeply that it had come to this, but he couldnt bear the thought of some day hurting Saoirse, even if it was the last thing he wanted. He swallowed hard and bit the inside of his lip rather hard before he went forward, stopping not far from her as he looked for words to say. But then he looked at the tree. "I still remember how it felt standing here next to you," he said, looking from the tree to her with soft eyes.

Alyssa assured him that she would be nearby, but she slipped in to the woods to give the two some privacy. Buffy felt her heart stop for a second at the sound of his voice, her body overwhelmed, but she was standing her ground. She couldn't know what condition he was in, and she was not going to interfere with what progress they might've gotten already. She smiled slightly, although sad, it was a happy memory to her. "I was so nervous ... So afraid of losing you," she confessed, not looking at him, just touching the bark of the tree in soft strokes. Breathing out in a sigh she turned to look at him. "It seems not much has changed since then," she confessed. Buffy couldn't help it, she just had to reach out, touch to see if he was really there, so she touched his arm ever so carefully. The fabric of his shirt a little dirty, but it didn't matter.
"I know you're trying, I can feel it every day," she said on a more serious note. Her eyes fluttered a bit, looking up at those grey green eyes which she loved so dearly. "I just wish I could do something to help you, even if I can't," she confessed, looking down as she let her hand drop from his arm, wrapping her own arms around herself to keep her warm. The winter months were always the hardest for her, but she dressed rather heavily today, just to be sure she could handle it out here with him. "Saoirse is asking if you'll be home for Solstice," she phrased, not as a question but more as a statement. "I've told her that she shouldn't count on it," she whispered, feeling a tear run down her cheek, her hand moving up to quickly remove it. No mother ever wanted to disappoint her child like that. It was her first Solstice, and even if she had Connor and Amos there, she knew the girl would be devastated without her father.

She probably didnt mean to hurt him with her words but it did kind of sting to be reminded that they still seemed to be stuck at square one. Sure, they had moved on from Simeon but it was like the summoner's horrible doings werent letting go that easily. He looked down at her hand as she touched his shirt, looking up at her with a small frown on his brows at her words. "I'm not trying hard enough, and even if I am, it'll never be enough" he argued but quite frankly he was pushing himself quite hard as it was, but he just couldnt think it was enough. It probably never would be, not before it was all resolved and he could return to her and make up for the time all this had taken away from them.
He looked down at the mention of their daughter, feeling a bitter taste in his mouth because he knew he had neglected her. Even if there was nothing to be done about it, it was what it was. It broke his heart just to think about. He blinked a few times and looked away, clenching his jaw as he needed a moment to compose himself. Emotions were fluctuating for him and he knew that if he got too far into them, it wasnt certain what would happen. "When is that?" he asked, lifting a hand to scratch his neck. Maybe it was odd that he really wasnt aware of the date, but it just made life at the temple easier for him. Made it feel less like a countdown to impending doom. He carefully reached out and grabbed Buffy's hand, not moving it from it's position as he just held it. "I-" he said but he just frowned at himself and looked at their hands. "I dont know what to do," he admitted, running his thumb carefully over the back of her hand.

"In two months time ... You've been gone for six months already, and I thought it was better to not sugar coat it," she whispered, trying to hold back her trembling breath as she felt her throat knot up. She wanted to cry again, but it felt like she was crying every other day as it was, just never when Saoirse was home. He took her hand, and her own fingers entangled carefully with his. It was as if no matter what, she just wanted to be close to him. She felt so lonely, the loneliest she had ever felt since her mother had died. Could he feel that in her? How every day it got harder to put on a smile?
"I don't have the answers, Belial," she whispered in a defeated tone, looking down at their hands. It brought her more comfort than it should have, and she knew that as soon as he let go she would succumb to her loneliness once more. She felt a few more tears escape, and she looked down, not wanting him to see her cry. He didn't deserve that, she knew he was trying, and could she really ask for more? She knew who he was when they got together, and she couldn't deny that he had fought so hard for them. "But do you think of us? Of me?" she asked, because frankly she had grown a little unsure when his visits had been so brief.

He hadnt expected for him to be gone as long as he had. But what could he really expect when he had spent most of his time losing track of time to not count the days that he was losing with his family. He just looked at their hands with a saddened expression. It was hurting him to know how he had neglected them, even if it was out of his hands at this point. "I know," he whispered, but a part of him had hoped that she had.
He looked up as she looked down, noticing the tears as he lifted his other hand to carefully lift her face and make her look at him. "I do. It's hard not to think of either of you, but I have tried," he said, wanting to be as honest as he could with her. He carefully wiped her tears off her face, drawing in a deep breath. "All I want to do is come back home to you and our daughter," he told her, unsure if he really had to say that but he was going to anyway.
He removed his hand from her face and looked down. "But the reality of our situation is still that I'm a risk to her safety," he said, feeling a bitter taste spread in his mouth. He knew that it would have been difficult for them, but not like this. This was something else. His whole demeanor then seemed to change, to something he needed to get off his chest, but it was as if saying it would just make the hurt worse. He drew in a long breath with a long sigh before he spoke. "....Which is why.. I feel that it's unfair to keep you waiting around for me, for a man that cant even uphold the promises he made to you under this sacred tree. I promised you I'd be together with you always, and I havent," he finally said, sounding so angry at himself, having to look down as he had finished speaking.

Hearing him admit that he had been thinking of them, despite trying not to, made her feel relieved but sad. She could understand that not thinking about them made it easier, hell that was why she kept busy, right? If she just kept moving, she wouldn't have time to think or worry; At least not until she laid her head on the pillow and felt the emptiness beside her in the bed. "I want you to come home as well, but I do understand to some degree why you aren't," she confessed, looking at him as he wiped away her tears. She took a step closer to him, just to at least feel the heat radiate off of him. How long had it been since he had pulled her close and reminded her of what they had together?
However what he said next made her widen her eyes, removing her hand from his, something she never did. She was all about his comfort, all about being close to him, but how could he even dare to suggest such a thing? "Belial," she said shaking her head at him. She felt like she couldn't breathe. What was he suggesting? That she just gave up on what they had? Gritting her teeth she moved her hand up to his face, forcing him to face her, she couldn't believe this was what he wanted. "Always doesn't mean by my side constantly ... You think of me and Saoirse, so you are with me," she said, her voice a little shaky but strong willed. She was filled with emotions, strong ones, and was it not clear that she loved him enough to believe they could conquer this? "If you think for one second that I will give up on you, on us - On our family - then you don't know me," she said, blinking a few times as she looked in to his grey green eyes.
Then she did something she hadn't dared to do when he visited, afraid to stir up strong emotions in him that Alyssa had warned him about, but she didn't fear him. She stepped closer, still holding his face in her hand as she tip-toed up, pressing her lips to his in a moment that felt like feelings exploding everywhere. But mostly she felt at ease, simply for the fact that she was feeling his lips. "You worry that you are holding me back, but you haven't realized I would gladly wait forever," she whispered breathlessly against his lips, kissing him again, praying that he would pull her in and return that kiss.

The mere thought of his own suggestion was hurting him. It was almost the last thing he wanted to do. Almost. Because there was something in his mind that was far worse than suggesting she'd be freed from him and that was keeping her tied down with him if he couldnt give her what she deserved. "It's not about give...." he spoke but she stepped closer and it was like he lost track of his own words. He felt her hold his face and it made his eyes water, only that he closed them the moment she pulled his face down, following her demand completely powerless to object; not that he wanted to. He felt her lips against his and it made his heart beat faster while his arms instinctively wrapped around her, at least loosely, pressing his palms to her lower back, feeling that warmth and comfort she brought to him. Her whisper made him swallow hard, wanting to say something to object but she kissed him again. This time he kissed her back, pressing her closer to him like he always did as he felt a tear escape his closed eyes. He lingered in the kiss for as long as it was possible before he pulled away and looked at her with eyes full of hurt. He really wanted to buy into this love could conquer all, but he seemed to have lost hope in that regard. "Buffy, even before our souls were bound together, I was yours. I always will be. But..." the words felt hard on his throat and he felt more tears press on. He just hugged her closer and buried his face in the nape of her neck. "It's not just about us anymore. We have a child that needs to be kept safe. And I'm no longer safe to have around her," he said, feeling his heart break. If there was one thing that could hurt him as much as when Buffy was hurting, then it was Saoirse. "That is the reality of our situation," he said as he finally mustered courage to lift his head and look her in the eyes.  

At first she thought he was trying to resist, trying not to give in, but as she kissed him a second time she felt his lips move against hers. She felt him press her closer, and she knew that he was still the Baal that she had promised to be with forever. The promise that they had made under the tree that night was still being kept on her end, and yet as their lips separated, he was back to protesting. She shook her head at his but, she couldn't accept what he was saying, because in her mind she would never give up on him or what they had.
"You forget that Saoirse has an opinion in this as well, and she loves her daddy more than anything; If you want to give up, that is your choice, but I refuse," she said, her flames in her eyes strong as her will to stay with Baal. "The reality of the situation is that this is taking longer than we expected, but it cannot stop me from having a say in all of this," she said. He always spoke like he knew best, and perhaps he did with his many years of experience, but she had always followed her gut, her heart and spirit. "And Belial I know you ... I know that you don't want this, I know that saying these words are all stemming from a place of love and care, but you don't realize that it has always been us and it always will," she whispered, touching his cheek ever so gently, removing his rogue tears.
"I love you Belial, that was why I bound my soul to you, that was why I fought for our daughter - I didn't fight for all of this to lose you in the end, so please stop saying that nonsense and hold me close," she said, leaning her cheek against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. She had missed him so dearly, just being close to him like this was refueling her batteries, and she felt so happy despite what he had said.

She knew it wasn't going to be easy, they had both known the second they had decided to be more than friends. So many things had happened since then, both good and bad memories, but in this moment Buffy felt content in putting her trust in the daemon she loved so dearly. "I don't think you realize I would wait until the end of the world for you," she mumbled softly, feeling his warmth surround her. She smiled to herself, because sure she had missed him, she had been miserable without him, and Saoirse was perhaps worse, but in time they would all realize that it would all have been worth it. She could just feel it. His words made her sigh, nodding slightly as she felt his warm breath spread into her hair, feeling small goose bumps rise on her skin. "I know, my love, I know," she whispered. A fear in her was that Saoirse would grow to dislike her father from his absence.
They just stood like that for a small while, holding each other, not really thinking too much, just feeling. But then she had to burst the bubble, leaning away to look at him carefully. "I trust your judgement, Belial ... I trust that your sister helps you ... But Saoirse still does not understand it, and I want us to tell her about it all before her longing turns to disgust," she said very seriously. She knew Baal was afraid of being set loose in the room with their daughter, but couldn't he at least stick around for at least an hour or so next time he visited? Just see if he could hug her without pulling a pained expression?

"Come home with me; Just for tonight?" she pleaded. She knew the risks, she understood that he was trying to protect their family, but she also felt that the longer it went between seeing each other, the harder it would get. "One night is all I ask, we can ask Alyssa to put up some security if it makes you feel better?" she suggested. Was it reckless of her to ask this from the father of her child? Her hand moved down, entangling it with his like it had done so many times before, but every time she felt the effects of his touch. There was always something special about his touch, something she couldn't quite put words to.
"Come home, we can talk ... You can even stay the night if you want to?" she said, it was clear that she was still pleading, but how else could she ask this of him? She felt selfish enough as it was, asking him to come with her when she knew it was all he wanted but doubted his own strength in holding back.

Buffy felt her eyes swell with water, tears of joy from the fact that he had agreed, even if it was one night, wouldn't it be enough for just a little while? Closing her eyes as he kissed her forehead she smiled, nodding carefully as he added that they could evaluate later how it had went. Buffy just felt happy because she missed him, she missed talking with him, cooking with him - despite the fact that he didn't eat. She missed going to bed with him or stealing a kiss when he was least expecting it. But what she missed the most was actually just having him around, having his scent in their home, in their shared bed. "Alright," she whispered after a bit of silence, opening her eyes to look up at him. She wiped away her tears, not wanting him to worry, because they were happy tears.
"Do you need to grab something? Or maybe tell someone that you're leaving?" she asked, not sure how to handle this. Alyssa stepped out from the trees, but it was clear she had heard most of the conversation. "I'll allow it, Belial has shown great progression and he knows what to do," she said calmly before looking at Buffy briefly. But in the back of her mind she had already made a mental note to make Amos stop by later to check in on them. She knew her son was going through a rough time right now, but she couldn't deny him the happiness of seeing his sister. Buffy nodded at the words, looking at Baal for when he was ready to leave.

Even if he had agreed to it, he couldnt let go of his worry. But he just wanted to not be a danger to his family. He shook his head at her question and and drew in a deep breath. He looked at his sister as she came forward. The mention of progression made him frown a little, though he wouldnt say he was really showing the great progression his sister seemed to think. He sent his sister a nod before he looked at Buffy and gave her hand a soft squeeze. "Let's go home then," he said, though he shortly after realized that he hadnt expected to say those words anytime soon. It felt good but it wasnt going to let him let go of his guard towards himself that easily. Maybe that would be easier once they were home and not just outside.
They headed home and Baal told her about the things that he had found with his sister, the texts they had read and briefly about all the information they were getting from the old texts. He wasnt really supposed to be telling her, but he just felt like he couldnt. He had to tell her something that would show that he hadnt just been wasting six months that they could have spent together. "Is Saoirse home?" he then asked, trying not to seem uncomfortable with the fact that he was dreading how he was fearful of seeing his own child.

It felt good, although she knew it would have to come to an end, she also took the time she got with him and was happy for it. As they walked it felt almost surreal, but holding his hand, listening to him speak about everything, she wondered if what she had done with her time could even be considered on the same level. Sure, she had been providing for Saoirse and herself, but she hadn't been out accomplishing great missions with daemons and old scriptures. Her life felt almost too mundane at this point, not that she minded. She could hear how nervous he was, sighing and giving his hand a squezze. "She's at school, she's doing really well - I think Amos is picking her up afterwards," Buffy said smiling up at Baal as she unlocked the door to their home.
Maybe it was better if he got inside and felt how it was to be back before their daughter got home. The fenix removed her coat, hanging it by the door before taking off her shoes, gloves, hat as well as scarf. Better safe than sorry in these cold months. "I've moved some stuff around," she chuckled, but it had been on her sleepless nights. She had just needed to do something and moving furniture around had at least made her body tired enough to sleep. Moving in to the kitchen she sighed, seeing that their daughter had left a mess from that morning's breakfast. Breathing out and making a strand of her hair move by her breath, she placed her hands on her sides before getting to work. She had scolded Saoirse many times at this point, but the girl just always seemed in a rush in the morning. "I hardly know what to say," she admitted with a faint chuckle, but she felt choked up by emotions. She covered her mouth with one hand, closing her eyes as her other hand wrapped around her body. She sobbed silently, because having him here felt so surreal. It felt like he had never left, but there was still that void once he would leave again, and it scared her. But she couldn't show that, she needed to be strong.
Taking a few deep breaths, she shook her head. "I'm fine," she lied, pressing on a smile as she looked at him. Wasn't it clear that she felt out of it and yet so happy? It was all just a lot of emotions that she had a hard time comprehending.

Of course he saw through her lie, of course he understood. They were in the same situation regarding all of this. He pulled her close, and she felt her body finally relax after all of the months of keeping it all in. She had been so strong, everyone had told her that, and she had had to do it because otherwise she would've succumbed to pitying herself. And if there was one thing that she wasn't going to do was pity herself when she had people counting on her. She wrapped her arms around him, her hands moving up to his shoulders and just pressing him tight. It was all she could ever ask for, just having him there gave her a strength to conquer everything. "I really don't wanna do the dishes," she half sobbed half chuckled, pulling away to look at her. She didn't want to waste her time cleaning up when she could spend it being with Baal. "But I want to kiss you and hug you ... And I want to hear you laugh, not just cry from being here," she half chuckled half cried. Her hands moving up and down his back in soothing strokes.
"I've missed you ... So much," she finally whispered before connecting their lips carefully. They were in their home and alone together for the first time in six months, and though Buffy didn't like to admit it, her mind had already wandered to feeling his body pressed close to her own. But she would keep it sweet, keep it simple and mostly because she was afraid that she could cause him to leave earlier than she wanted. If she had it her way this was the point where he decided to just stay right here and never leave, but of course it was all fairytale wishing at this point. Her lips moved carefully against his, her lips soft to the touch, but also clearly holding back. There was no point in overwhelming him.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Buffy said, her breath a little hasty, but a smile on her lips as she looked at him. It felt like it had been ages since he had kissed her like this,
it had always just been a quick peck and then on to something different. However this was the Baal she remembered so fondly, her eyes closing halfway as his hand slipped in to her hair. Gods it made her stomach spin to feel that. His words made her chuckle, nodding because she knew, and she was glad that she was as stubborn as she actually was. "And I can't be without you," she said, just to make it clear that she held that same belief. She belonged with him, she knew that even before their bonding, and it had only gotten stronger as time had passed. Now it was like being reaffirmed in her knowledge or belief, whatever you wanted to call it. "I swear I'm trying to behave," she mumbled, feeling her fingers grasp at his clothes, but it was like her body was doing that all on its own accord. She had no control and it felt like all the power was bestowed on to Baal.
"Do you ... Want to stop?" she asked, mostly because she needed to be told off at this point. She loved him, she had missed him, and now he was finally here. "We can just go sit down and talk some more - Or I could show you some of Saoirse's assignments from school?" she suggested.

A small surprised sound came out of Buffy's lips as he all of a sudden just lifted her on to the counter. He hadn't done that before, not to her recollection at least, and it took her rather by surprise. Spreading her legs so that he could stand between her thighs she felt her stomach do some rapid summersaults from that voice alone. Gods she was really helpless, wasn't she? "Then don't," she whispered, feeling his hands track along her body, sending shivers down her spine. This was a little exciting. Sure, they had done the deed, so to speak, many times - but this was different. He leaned closer to her lips once again, and she returned his eagerness. Her hands moving up his chest, feeling his warm skin under the thin fabric before moving her fingers up in to his hair. Entangling herself in his dark curls she held his head close to her own, only breaking the kiss to gasp for air before returning her lips to where they belonged. "I feel like a teenager," she chuckled softly against his lips, her cheeks flushed with a slight pink color from the heat alone. "What if Saoirse comes home?" she whispered, but not as a reminder of the troubles ahead, more to say that doing it right in the kitchen might startle their child.
One of Buffy's hands moved down, her finger tracing one of his black swirls peaking up from his shirt. "Can you take it off?" she asked, pulling a bit at the shirt he was wearing. Maybe seeing his black marks that covered his torso would make her realize this wasn't just some weird dream she was having.

"No, it just feels like everything is new," she admitted, smiling at him with soft eyes. His mention of them being caught in the act made her nod. What else could she do than agree? Letting their daughter and his son enter this place and seeing them in the middle of an intimate moment was sure to spark up some friction, but at the end of the day, Buffy knew that she wanted to be with her daemon right now. However she did like the feeling of being close to him, she couldn't keep herself or her needs at bay much longer. His remark made her chuckle, giggling as she wrapped her arms around him and let him carry her to their bed. For so long it had been only her, but having him back just brought out more emotions. One of his shirts were folded neatly at her night stand. She clearly wore it or slept next to it, but she couldn't bring herself to look at it. Instead her focus was all on the daemon hovering over her, his shirt now removed and her fingers got to work exploring his pale skin. Was he paler than when he had left? Saoirse had really gotten a tan over the summer, but she had grown more self conscious about her own marks. In that regard Buffy could really see who the father was.
His kisses moved down to her neck, making her stretch it for him, holding back a few moans because it felt almost embarrassing to think about how touch deprived she felt. "Just do it already - I can feel you want to," she mumbled, a few sighs escaping her lips from his kisses. She wouldn't mind a few marks, she wanted to be reminded of this once he was gone. Her hands moved down his abdomen, but always following the swirls. It was like she didn't need to look, she knew it by heart where every strand ended and began. Her hands ended at his jeans, unbuckling his belt before slipping her hand under to feel him. She gasped softly, closing her eyes as she could feel how excited he truly was. "Remember to tell me if I need to stop," she whispered softly, taking a careful hold of his length. They were still on his terms after all, and she didn't want him to fight back showing if something felt wrong.