New year, new me? Or whatever they say. [cw]

She was so gentle with her touches and he really appreciated that even if he looked a little sour. He just really wasnt the kind to be all snuggly and mask his emotions when he felt like crap. And even if fighting Damiano had made him loosen up a little, it was still a crappy situation.
She however made a fair point but he wasnt exactly in a mindset for reason. “I dont even get to decide what bullshit university I get into. It’s all fucking pre-tailored and it doesnt matter what I do.” He said a little bitter, though he would have loved to believe the cute little scenario that she was setting up. He let go of her hand and sighed.

She held onto him and he didnt mind. Because he felt how she was more hopeful than she was, her whisper making him look at her. She really meant that, didnt she? He felt her kisses and how she moved down in a trail of kisses to greet his lips. He returned it and hummed at her words. But he also felt a bit of doubt in himself, remembering what Damiano had said when they were fighting.
She spoke of food and he drew in a short breath, closing his eyes. “I’ll eat whatever.” He mumbled, before he leaned away to look at her. He just took in her face for a moment before he got up and offered her a hand. “Lets eat.” He said before he could get too caught up in his own thoughts.

They ate dinner and he managed to eat enough to feel full. It was mostly because he knew she wouldnt be happy if he didnt and he was kind of tired of being tired in a physical sense. Her phone rang while he was washing off a plate and utensils before putting it in the dishwasher. It seemed a little mundane to be doing these things but he wasnt really minding it when it was with her. She went and he looked at some of the food that they had not eaten. Not that he knew what to do with it, if it had to change container because there was less or if it would go bad before she could eat more of it. He just didnt have that sense of knowing.
When she came back, her promise seemed more like a command of sorts, though he was feeling a crave for nicotine. He nodded and went out to the balcony, getting his pack and his phone. He had a message from his mom that he opened and read. She was always more attentive if they had fought but now that it had turned out differently, it was like she couldnt let go. And he was quite tired of it. Lighting his cigarette he left his phone open on the railing, looking out on the view.

[Alexis:] Are you coming home today? I found a chain and some new clothes that you may like.
[Alexis:] I know you’re not much of a talker but I have heard of what happened to Jeremy. I know he’s your best friend so you dont have to be alone in this.

He glanced down at the messages again, scratching his lower lip a little thoughtful with his thumb. Why the fuck did she have to make it sound like she gave a damn? He could feel his blood boil just at the thought, scratching a little too hard, feeling how he was now scraping up a bit of blood that wasnt too bad but still annoying. He looked at his nail and licked his lower lip.

A part of him felt reluctant to let go of her face, but if it went the way he wanted then he wouldnt have to worry about not feeling skin in no time. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he held her up by her behind with one hand while the other held her lower back. He was quite eager in kissing her lips, like he was more trying to devour them and indulge himself in the way she tasted. Her mutter made him pause for a moment as he was drawing in a few hasty breaths himself. “I like hearing you gasp.” He whispered, feeling his body press up against her. She nuzzled her nose against his and her whisper made his grip tense a little around her. He moved his lips down to her neck, dragging his lips that were slightly wet from their mixed saliva down her skin, taking in her scent. “Say it again.” He mumbled against her neck, suckling gently on her skin.

Expecting her to comply was maybe a stretch but he wasnt really as playful as he usually could have been. This was somehow different, like he needed the affirmation, their connection. She moved his face from her neck and he grit his teeth a little at her while growling softly. “Fine. I’ll make you scream it for me then.” He said as if it was some sort of threat. He lifted her off the glass and opened the door before he took her up to her room, having no issues with really carrying her. Or if it hurt then he was clearly ignoring it. Placing her down on her bed with a thump, he looked at her for a second with hungry eyes, before he crawled down over her, connecting their lips again in an eager manner. He moved the kisses down onto her chin, down her throat as his hands fiddled with her clothes.

She moved slower but his head wasnt really following that. However it wasnt like he could just do whatever he wanted to her, even if the thought was tempting. She just wasnt like any girl, but he also had the muscle memory working without him even really being aware. She took his hand and her words made him stop for a second as he looked at her. “You know I do.” He argued, watching as she kissed his fingers. “You are the only person that I…” he stopped as his eyes locked on her tongue, watching as she licked his fingers. She could just do that so effortlessly and drive him crazy inside. “… Fuck.” He said through gritted teeth as his jaw tensed up and even though it hurt, he may have liked it in the moment. He gently pushed his fingers into her mouth, watching her as his breath was trembling. “Fuck….” He mumbled again before he frowned at himself, but it was a different vibe that was around him now. He suddenly pulled away from her, clenching his hands in anger like he didnt really know what to do with himself. “I’m so fucking…. Fucked up!” He exclaimed, moving away as he didnt want to hurt her. He just didnt know what to do with his own head, and he felt so out of touch. Knocking his head against the wall, he closed his eyes hard and felt his shoulders tremble. The painkillers were dulling, making him feel like he was barely harming himself.

He stopped as she went to him, but his whole body seemed to be shaking. Damiano was right. He was just using her so he didnt have to feel so shitty all the time. And he loved her so it was like realizing that or making himself truly believe it only made him hurt. And feel so much anger and hatred towards himself. He knew who else in his family that didnt just mind using people. “I dont deserve you.” He whispered in a genuine tone, keeping his eyes closed before he pulled out of her grip. He felt tears run down his cheeks but he hated crying. He wasnt the type that cried, not in front of anyone at all. But believing that he was no different than the man he despised? “I’m just a leech.” He admitted, and in a sense it felt true when he had spent so much time feeling her feelings over his own. He shook his head at himself. Whatever punishment that awaited him at home, he probably deserved. So he went for the door.

He felt her hand grab his and her emotions only aggrevated him more, though he wasnt like he could just shake free and go. Her sure voice made him grit his teeth. How could she be so damn sure when she knew who he was and what he was seen as. She was right, he was in his own head but he was also stuck there unable to move out of it. The only way to cope, made him feel sick just to think about because it made him a user. He listened as she made her argument, feeling her chest and the beating heart behind that was so full of emotion. “Zaira….” He said quite seriously as she asked him to explain his words. “I was going to fuck you on your bed just because it would make me feel some kind of autonomy. It wasnt love that was driving me. It purely out of selfish desperation.” He just flat out admitted.

It may not have been the worst he could do but in his world it felt like it was. Because it was what he did in his past, it was what he was known for. And it was something he wished that he just couldnt do to her. But the truth just was that and she put it quite nicely herself, it was how he coped. Maybe he had just wanted to believe that it would be nothing but sweet with her, love and all the good things and now it wasnt that.
He looked down but he listened, drawing in a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Her touching him only meant that he could tell that she was being sincere. That she wasnt just saying things to ease his mind or trick him. Her confession made him frown as he opened his eyes and looked at her. She said those four sweet words and he looked at her for a bit. He drew in a trembling breath as he considered his options. “Go sit on the bed.” He said in a quiet tone, if she did, he’d stand for a bit before he went to her, lifting a hand to touch her face. He lifted her by the chin to look at her face before he slowly pushed her back on the bed. He looked at her body for a bit before he sat down between her legs, his fingers gently touching her from ankle to inner thigh, just brushing over her skin. “You’re beautiful.” He mumbled but she knew he saw her as nothing but exactly that, beautiful.

His eyes had been on his hand, her skin, until she made her addition. His eyes slowly went towards her, seeing that redness in her cheeks. He looked serious but he also was. She said she loved him and he leaned over to kiss her inner thigh. “I believe you.” He said against her skin, drawing in a breath to smell her scent. “I love you too.” He said as he looked into her eyes. He wasnt lying. But then again he rarely lied if ever. He grabbed her leg and spread her open for him, eyeing her as he held onto her thigh, like he had to keep it in place in case she felt like squirming. He leaned down to kiss her gently between her legs, though the fabric of her panties was in the way of him feeling her on his lips. He however wasnt going to tease her like he had the first time, so he pulled the underwear to the side and kissed her carefully so she could get used to his mouth being there. With his hand on her thigh, it was never hard to tell whether he did well or not. “You smell so good.” He groaned, feeling his mouth water just at the thought of what he was about to do. And he wasted no time further as he leaned back down to her, using his tongue this time work her up real nice. His hand around her thigh, still to make sure she stayed in place and he could cheat to know exactly what way he was supposed to flick his tongue to really tease her well. He took pride in what he did, especially this that he only had done for a few girls, mostly because a lot were too shy to let him. He loved that about Zaira, the trust she had in him.

Oh he could never get tired of her squirming like she did, it just did something to his head when she was like this. He probably enjoyed it as much as she did and it wasnt even him getting the pleasure. But he also sort of did through her. Her moan made him hum, hugging her leg a little closer to himself as he found a pace he liked for her. His other hand that wasnt holding her he stopped indulging himself in her treasure to suck on, making sure that his fingers were wet before he gently introduced two inside of her. But the way she was already riled up, he was sure she could already fit three in there. He smiled a little to himself before he leaned back in, pressing his fingers all the way in as his tongue teased her little bell. He was panting himself at this point as his fingers slowly began sliding in and out of her, curling up inside of her until he found her spot that he then focused on pleasing. He just wanted to get her there, feeling her tense up around his fingers and go wild all while he ate her up, tasting how perfect she was for him.

He wasnt even sorry for doing what he did, pushing her so quickly towards the edge as he was. He could feel how she didnt wantnto give in, but he wanted to feel her crumble. And when she did he moaned against her as it sounded so hot to hear her, feel her tighten around him and the rush of emotions she felt. He helped her ride it out, smiling a little as he straightened his back and looked at her. “You almost couldnt keep still huh? You did well though.” He praised her a little teasingly, pulling his fingers out to lick them clean and wipe his face.